renaissance poisson

after reading dog style, i was hoping i could go to sleep and dream about it, which i can often do if something has really emotionally affected me.

yeah, i dreamt about it. about the emotionally wrenching parts, until i woke up in tears again. damn.

because of other people's comments on the manga, i don't think this is all due to the wellbutrin either. anyway, i've been wanting to write about how i am doing on that, but it's been too depressing. each med i try that fails takes a little more hope away.

wellbutrin is giving me a little more energy, and it is also expanding my emotional range. unfortunately largely downwards, it seems, or maybe that just affects me much more. instead of comfortably numb i am now more depressed more often; pretty much an episode a day. it doesn't necessarily last long because i fight it, but it's exhausting; it uses up the additional energy and then some, it seems. i can rarely get myself out of the house now, even when the weather is good. i have thoughts again of just wanting to die so all the damn pain and the daily battle against it is over with. i am not actively suicidal (that would take too much effort, *wry grin*), but a couple of days ago i was thinking how nice it would be if i could just go to the humane society to have myself put to sleep. that's not good. it's not even as good as comfortably numb, because it wears me down more/faster.

i was gonna ask the doctor last time to add an SSRI that might lift me a bit, but i have lost all confidence in the guy, who never seems to really listen, and i got lost in reminding him of all my data once again while he stared at the computer screen the entire time and mumbled to himself, and then i couldn't get to the request before being rushed out. which means i really should look for another doctor, but that's a big effort each time, and with each doctor whose competence leaves something to be desired, that hurdle becomes higher. i already have to see a new internist because the previous (good one) retired, and my MIBI test came back with an area of my heart not receiving any blood flow. so next is probably an angiogram. i am not looking forward to more pieces of my body failing. i don't think i have it in me anymore to age gracefully.

i love that manga to bits, but considering how this is affecting me, maybe i should stay away from reading anything emotionally sad. i already don't watch any world news at all anymore, and have asked my partners to not talk about bad world news with me. i already don't read anything that's marked as tragedy. so now i need to cut down on everything with sad parts? what's left then?

each day my world gets a little smaller.

i can't stop crying today.

ok, enough sniveling. listening to BUMP OF CHICKEN will hopefully cheer me up.

panicking now. did hardly get anything done today; the time just went into the big sinkhole in the sky where time so often goes for me.

sat there early this morning, eager to be doing things, winding the yarn i am taking into centerpull balls on a toiletpaper roll functioning as a short nostepinne. after two balls my wrists started hurting, and yeah, was i gonna sit here all day and wind yarn into balls? i had too much to do. so i went to the LYS and bought a yarn winder. which is something i now wish i had done years ago; it is such an immensely useful little gadget, and so fast! wound all the yarn i'm taking in no time, and was sorely tempted to attack the rest of my stash.

so that was good. but after it, i crashed. time went away, interrupted by going grocery shopping and having dinner at the vietnamese spices garden with the paramour, and picking up my powells order from the post office. when we came back i tried to make procmail do what i need it to do to not have my email box overrun while i am gone, and i couldn't concentrate. that started the panic, and then some more time went away, and now all i want to do is crawl into bed and make it all go away. stay home, not go anywhere.

this is why i bought tickets when i was feeling all excited about going. this always happens. and if i hadn't bought tickets, i would now no longer want to buy them. fucking depression.

*sigh*.

on the bright side, the paramour is an oscar nominee!

however wonderful it was to have such a major productivity streak, the crash now is really bad too. not only do i feel physically tired (i got up at 10:30, and want to crawl back into bed again now), and my brain feels devoid of any creative thought, but i am also getting more and more sad-depressed. *bleh*.

i think i'll go and buy a garden claw tomorrow, so i can work on making some more growing space in the backyard. maybe that'll cheer me up.

all cats "advantaged" today. the shipment got here on friday already; much faster than i anticipated -- this is the first time i've ordered from this place, and i'm pleased (i also checked whether the meds are genuine, since there have apparently been lots of fakes popping up). universal pet meds out of winnipeg. cheap, fast, and reliable -- woowoo.

i am alas an idiot. i should've ordered enough to do the landlord's dog too, since they're never catching on themselves, and i feel so bad for the dog.

other than that, i did heaps and heaps of laundry on saturday, even though it was hideously hot and humid, which is pretty amazing. i'm not entirely sure whether to ascribe this to the sweatsock juice, but it's certainly unusual for me to be feeling energetic when the temp rises above 25°C, and i've been doing fine ever since i started taking the stuff, all the while it's been hot. here's hoping this holds. i like having energy to burn. oh, do i ever like it. it's NICE to not feel like i am moving through molasses.

i stopped taking my SSRI 3 days ago because i want to see how this stuff does on its own. i had a slight buzz today. usually when i forget to take my pills i get a buzz on the second day, and by the third it's pretty bad. so whatever else the stuff is doing, it's keeping down the buzz from SSRI withdrawal. another 2-3 weeks and the SSRI should mostly be out of my system. then the real test begins.

speaking of cats, there's a new little one around the outside feeding dishes, all black. *sigh*.

oh, and i have a new scale, which measures up to 500g in 0.1g increments. it can also do oz, lb, ozt, dwt, gn, ct, and pieces. ecstasy in weighing lies ahead!