Mar. 9th, 2011

piranha: erotic kiss (eros)
i don't really have words right now but i wanted to write this down before i go to sleep.

i am a wreck. i thought my heart was gonna break. what a fantastic roller-coaster. it's complex, honest, tough, stubborn, witty, boyish, aggressive, silly, unpredictable, erotic, deeply emotional, and completely original. i don't cry easily, but i'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face, and i can't stop. was this really just 3 volumes? these people became my friends. i sat in that abandoned building with them, and i bled with them. i don't want to leave. i might just read it again right away. or go to sleep in the hopes i'll dream about it.

on a scale of 1 to 10 this is an 11. this is a story that is everything i read BL for and find so very rarely. i will buy several copies and give them to my friends, even the ones who don't usually read BL. and i'll write my first ever fan letter to a mangaka.

piranha: red origami crane (Default)
after reading dog style, i was hoping i could go to sleep and dream about it, which i can often do if something has really emotionally affected me.

yeah, i dreamt about it. about the emotionally wrenching parts, until i woke up in tears again. damn.

because of other people's comments on the manga, i don't think this is all due to the wellbutrin either. anyway, i've been wanting to write about how i am doing on that, but it's been too depressing. each med i try that fails takes a little more hope away.

wellbutrin is giving me a little more energy, and it is also expanding my emotional range. unfortunately largely downwards, it seems, or maybe that just affects me much more. instead of comfortably numb i am now more depressed more often; pretty much an episode a day. it doesn't necessarily last long because i fight it, but it's exhausting; it uses up the additional energy and then some, it seems. i can rarely get myself out of the house now, even when the weather is good. i have thoughts again of just wanting to die so all the damn pain and the daily battle against it is over with. i am not actively suicidal (that would take too much effort, *wry grin*), but a couple of days ago i was thinking how nice it would be if i could just go to the humane society to have myself put to sleep. that's not good. it's not even as good as comfortably numb, because it wears me down more/faster.

i was gonna ask the doctor last time to add an SSRI that might lift me a bit, but i have lost all confidence in the guy, who never seems to really listen, and i got lost in reminding him of all my data once again while he stared at the computer screen the entire time and mumbled to himself, and then i couldn't get to the request before being rushed out. which means i really should look for another doctor, but that's a big effort each time, and with each doctor whose competence leaves something to be desired, that hurdle becomes higher. i already have to see a new internist because the previous (good one) retired, and my MIBI test came back with an area of my heart not receiving any blood flow. so next is probably an angiogram. i am not looking forward to more pieces of my body failing. i don't think i have it in me anymore to age gracefully.

i love that manga to bits, but considering how this is affecting me, maybe i should stay away from reading anything emotionally sad. i already don't watch any world news at all anymore, and have asked my partners to not talk about bad world news with me. i already don't read anything that's marked as tragedy. so now i need to cut down on everything with sad parts? what's left then?

each day my world gets a little smaller.

i can't stop crying today.

ok, enough sniveling. listening to BUMP OF CHICKEN will hopefully cheer me up.


piranha: red origami crane (Default)
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