be careful what you wish for

[piranha]

after reading dog style, i was hoping i could go to sleep and dream about it, which i can often do if something has really emotionally affected me.

yeah, i dreamt about it. about the emotionally wrenching parts, until i woke up in tears again. damn.

because of other people's comments on the manga, i don't think this is all due to the wellbutrin either. anyway, i've been wanting to write about how i am doing on that, but it's been too depressing. each med i try that fails takes a little more hope away.

wellbutrin is giving me a little more energy, and it is also expanding my emotional range. unfortunately largely downwards, it seems, or maybe that just affects me much more. instead of comfortably numb i am now more depressed more often; pretty much an episode a day. it doesn't necessarily last long because i fight it, but it's exhausting; it uses up the additional energy and then some, it seems. i can rarely get myself out of the house now, even when the weather is good. i have thoughts again of just wanting to die so all the damn pain and the daily battle against it is over with. i am not actively suicidal (that would take too much effort, *wry grin*), but a couple of days ago i was thinking how nice it would be if i could just go to the humane society to have myself put to sleep. that's not good. it's not even as good as comfortably numb, because it wears me down more/faster.

i was gonna ask the doctor last time to add an SSRI that might lift me a bit, but i have lost all confidence in the guy, who never seems to really listen, and i got lost in reminding him of all my data once again while he stared at the computer screen the entire time and mumbled to himself, and then i couldn't get to the request before being rushed out. which means i really should look for another doctor, but that's a big effort each time, and with each doctor whose competence leaves something to be desired, that hurdle becomes higher. i already have to see a new internist because the previous (good one) retired, and my MIBI test came back with an area of my heart not receiving any blood flow. so next is probably an angiogram. i am not looking forward to more pieces of my body failing. i don't think i have it in me anymore to age gracefully.

i love that manga to bits, but considering how this is affecting me, maybe i should stay away from reading anything emotionally sad. i already don't watch any world news at all anymore, and have asked my partners to not talk about bad world news with me. i already don't read anything that's marked as tragedy. so now i need to cut down on everything with sad parts? what's left then?

each day my world gets a little smaller.

i can't stop crying today.

ok, enough sniveling. listening to BUMP OF CHICKEN will hopefully cheer me up.

Comments

[gam0ra.blogspot.com]

It's a very bad day for me when I wish to go back to being unaffected by the world around me most of the time and slightly happier the other part of the time. That's a long ways down the spiral for me, so I really hope you can find a doctor that listens and can find a good mix for you. I know how hard it is to find a good doctor, I have gone for decades without one in the past because I'd just give up on ever finding one.

Well, damn.

[graydon]

I'm very sorry to hear that.

Can't do much but offer good wishes and hope.

Re: Well, damn.

[piranha]

well, thanks for those. from your mouth to the gods' of anti-depressants ears!

[serene]

If I could grant wishes, you would be well and happy. You have brought so much joy and clarity to my life over the years that it offends my sense of fairness (which is of course itself irrational) that you should ever feel this way. *hughughug*

[piranha]

thank you for saying that. when i feel worthless it actually does help to be reminded that i wasn't always so, *wry grin*.

[firecat]

I don't know how new the Wellbutrin is, but my first attempt with it didn't go well; I felt like my brain was possessed by Philip K. Dick, and not in a wonderfully creative way. It worked better the second time around, a few months later.

I hope you get relief from the physical and mental health suck and medi-go-round soon.

[piranha]

at that time i'd taken the wellbutrin for a bit over 3 months, which should normally be enough to get over the side effects, but from reading other people's reactions, this really seems to be one weird med. it worked better the second time around for you? yeah, that's weird alright. i don't know whether i should stick with it; my GP is no help, and by ow i loathe to go to him.

i've switched my intake to right before i go to sleep, which keeps at least the heart weirdnesses during the day to a minimum (there does seem to be some difference in the time release; early on i always feel the effect, while 8 hours later not so much).

it's been a little better for the last 3 days, but i am not breathing a sigh of relief yet because i have been madly distracting myself, since the bad waves come on most easily when i am just thinking idly.

[firecat]

I am not a doctor, but Wellbutrin has a short half-life so if you skip it for a week you might get some idea of what it's doing.

[synecdochic]

♥

I've been dealing with much-like stuff in the past year, and it truly sucks. Thinking of you and wishing you strength and lightness.

[piranha]

thanks. it sucks that so many people i care about are in truly crappy situations; i run out of things to say, feel helpless, and that depresses me even more.

*hugs* if wanted.

[synecdochic]

pir hugs always wanted! &hugs;

Hoping the health stuff is at least clearing up a bit. (Not pressure for you to explain! Just good wishes put out into the universe sent in your direction.)

And yeah, thinking of things to say in situations like this is always hard. I generally just go with things along the lines of what I said to you; I figure, people can always use quiet statements of support when things are sucking.

[littlebutfierce]

I'm sorry things are so v. wretched right now. :/ & I hate the whole medication dance & trying to find a good doctor dance (especially when one is depressed which makes the whole bureaucracy & the little bit of hope one has to have somewhere, b/c one is bothering to try a new doctor/med, that much harder to deal w/). I hope something changes to let you feel at least a little better soon.

[piranha]

thanks for the good wishes; i've actually felt a little better for the last 3 days.

[littlebutfierce]

Thank you for letting me know--I hope the feeling better has continued.

(& augh, sorry for such a late reply to this important comment. ^^;;)

[aquaeri]

I am so sorry. I hate that part when the medication isn't really working and the doctor isn't really listening and you're taking the medication and seeing the doctor because everything is an effort and thus that much harder for you to "fix yourself".

[piranha]

yeah, exactly. i still haven't managed to go back to this doctor, and am pondering now whether it might not be worth switching, since i loathe him so much that it deters me from seeking his help. but that, of course, also takes more effort than i seem able to muster. *gah*; how pitiful.

[aquaeri]

It's not pitiful; it's part of the disease. No-one thinks a person with a broken leg is pitiful because they have more trouble with stairs while it heals.

[zxhrue]

well fiddlesticks. ::strength and courage::

and oh btw, thanks for talking up bump of chicken so much. I've been merrily watching their videos even I have no clue what they are saying.

[piranha]

glad you like them! bump of chicken's lyrics are actually very poetic, contrary to the lyrics of the pretty boy bands; if you're into lyrics it might be worth finding them online.

thanks for the good wishes, and for providing the kick for me to post again, and reply to previous comments.

[zxhrue]

actually I did search out english translations here and there. the most are on the discussion board of their facebook page. of course I have no idea wrt the accuracy of the translations. still watch the videos on a regular basis, and am thinking of making up a playdisc of my favorites when I get back to that side.

[zxhrue]

um. ::ping:: just wondering. the silence, it is worrisome.

[piranha]

oh, sorry for causing you to worry. i haven't croaked or anything like it (obviously, or typing would be difficult). the days just pass without me feeling like i have much to say.

thanks for asking.

[zxhrue]

no worries (sts). I know how that feels (not having much to say), and since I don't even maintain a journal it is actually a bit presumptuous to be saying why aren't you posting. just, you know. given the tone of this post. anyway.