gender-based observations
Sep. 21st, 2007 20:46![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
piranhai was really glad the doctor and gary the scot were bantering with each other and with me. i love banter, especially when i feel crappy. it distracts me. it lightens the load a little. it gives the impression that things aren't that bad, that i can laugh problems in the face. it makes me feel like i am an equal to those who're treating me; we're all people and while i can't fix an unstable heart, they can't fix an unstable debian system.
during this episode, just like in situations before when i have been a patient, it's always some men who banter, and hardly ever any women. not a single woman bantered with me this time; one bantered with gary the scot. the women were either quiet and detached / very businesslike, or solicitous. neither works really well for me, though the former works better than the latter. some detached mannerisms make me feel like i am just a thing to them that they push and pull around according to what they need, regardless of my feelings about the matter. since they're trying to help me that's acceptable, but it leaves me feeling a bit inhuman. especially when they're also careless about restoring my comfort when they leave me -- not putting the blanket back over my exposed skin, for example, not returning my glasses to me.
solicitousness is much worse; it puts me into the role of an inferior, a helpless person, childlike; it stresses that things are bad, that i am to be pitied. it focusses the attention on the problem, doesn't let me escape a little. and i feel that if i laugh, they'll feel insulted that i am not appreciative of their efforts (and they are efforts; they are wrong for me, but i always appreciate people trying to help).
i am quite certain that the detached manner makes a lot of people feel bad, but i understand why health care practitioners do it; the job can eat you alive unless you keep some degree of detachment, and it's not easy to find the right degree. i'm also quite certain the solicitous manner works very well for vast numbers of people who come to hospital scared and anxious and feeling bad for themselves. and women in health care roles do that one generally better than men. but i almost always gravitate towards men in such situations, and the ones i stick with have a hearty sense of humour. it has nothing whatsoever to do with my assessment of their competence, just with comfort.
during this episode, just like in situations before when i have been a patient, it's always some men who banter, and hardly ever any women. not a single woman bantered with me this time; one bantered with gary the scot. the women were either quiet and detached / very businesslike, or solicitous. neither works really well for me, though the former works better than the latter. some detached mannerisms make me feel like i am just a thing to them that they push and pull around according to what they need, regardless of my feelings about the matter. since they're trying to help me that's acceptable, but it leaves me feeling a bit inhuman. especially when they're also careless about restoring my comfort when they leave me -- not putting the blanket back over my exposed skin, for example, not returning my glasses to me.
solicitousness is much worse; it puts me into the role of an inferior, a helpless person, childlike; it stresses that things are bad, that i am to be pitied. it focusses the attention on the problem, doesn't let me escape a little. and i feel that if i laugh, they'll feel insulted that i am not appreciative of their efforts (and they are efforts; they are wrong for me, but i always appreciate people trying to help).
i am quite certain that the detached manner makes a lot of people feel bad, but i understand why health care practitioners do it; the job can eat you alive unless you keep some degree of detachment, and it's not easy to find the right degree. i'm also quite certain the solicitous manner works very well for vast numbers of people who come to hospital scared and anxious and feeling bad for themselves. and women in health care roles do that one generally better than men. but i almost always gravitate towards men in such situations, and the ones i stick with have a hearty sense of humour. it has nothing whatsoever to do with my assessment of their competence, just with comfort.
no subject
on 2007-09-22 06:06 (UTC)I'm not very comfortable with coddling, either, and am not always sure what to do with people who do want that.
This reminds me of a hobby horse I occasionally ride around my brain, regarding people's assertions that women aren't funny (or creative). IMO, it's hard to be funny if you are trying to make sure everyone feels OK.
Re:gender-based observations
on 2007-09-22 07:05 (UTC)not really. this has IME ranged from ER doctors through interns, registered and licensed practical nurses, paramedics, and various specialist technicians.
this time a paramedic was solicitous, the EKG tech was detached (on the side of uncaring; she didn't introduce herself, talked over me, didn't look me in the eye, she left me half-nekkid; i was cold), 2 RNs were businesslike, the respiratory tech was mildly solicitous but in a manner i can handle (just light friendly-like), one other probably-nurse who seemed to just amble around bantered with gary the scot but was solicitous to me.
among the men the doctor, gary the scot (either an RN or a nurse practitioner or one of those in-between jobs), and an RN whose name i didn't catch bantered. the lead paramedic started out very businesslike, then warmed up some and bantered a wee bit with me in the ambulance, a second guy was businesslike, the third incredibly nervous (his hands were shaking when he put the blood pressure cuff on me, he must have been really new to all this). i expect paramedics to be more businesslike in front of a patient and reserve the banter for amongst themselves, they're the frontline defense, it's a very demanding job to do all the right things _and_ get the tone just right; businesslike is safest.
that hobby horse is a good one. i think it's total bunk that women aren't funny (or creative). some of my favourite comedians are women, and that barely even touches the creative realm that women populate with amazing works of art and craft.
but when it comes to banter, i think the average woman is less into it than the average man. i don't know whether that maps to women feeling more responsible for making sure everyone is ok than men -- that would certainly work in much of everyday life. except i don't see quite how that works in hospital where men are just as responsible for that (though i know women still tend to feel that more of it falls on their shoulders, such as mediating between doctors and patients).
in my personal life i banter with many of my male friends, but with almost none of my female ones. not for lack of trying, it just doesn't work. it turns into a mutual "oh i hope that didn't hurt you, i didn't mean to" fest, or worse, the feeling that somebody did get hurt and is sulking but is just not saying anything.
Re: gender-based observations
on 2007-09-22 22:52 (UTC)That could be true, but my experience with paramedics (and basic EMTs and I-techs) is that they banter if it fits with their personality, and not if they don't. (Some of them banter specifically because it is such a demanding job.) I haven't ridden with my instructor, but she banters constantly outside the ambulance and in the classes I took with her. The other female EMTs I know don't joke much, nor do the men, except for one totally irreverent medic I know who cracks me up. I should see if I can get ride time in his bus.
So I'm not necessarily seeing the gender difference you are, but my sample is also pretty small; I wouldn't be at all surprised if there was much more banter from men than women if we could look at a wider pool.
Me, I don't banter much because I don't think I'm funny, and am never quite sure what to say that would go over well. I don't know that that's a female thing.