fuck

i really, REALLY hate it when i ask for a task, am given one, and then casually find out somebody else has taken it too, but nobody talks to me about it. i'm right there! in the room! and they're talking as if i weren't there, and had nothing to do with it. and nobody tells me to stop working on it. and when i make a suggestion to improve something, that too isn't acknowledged. WTF? if you two wanted to work on this happily together, why even task me with it?! i didn't rush in and grab it!

makes me feel like i am being snubbed. especially since this one person already always treats me like i am a little slow and stupid. which doesn't play well with my depression. and also? i am NOT slow and stupid when it comes to this stuff. i am fast and smart. so fuck you if you can't see that. godverdomme.

maybe today would be a good day for me to work in the garden. no drama. appreciate 3 good things about my life.

ETA: *gnrg*, why am i so fucking emo today? anyway, nobody please worry about this. i am just out of balance, and unhappy, and apparently the slightest little thing can push me over the edge. a couple of hours in the garden and i'll be fine. ESPECIALLY don't worry about it if you are my partner. :) you did nothing wrong.

i see racefail is going into v2.0

and i'm moving away from it because otherwise it will eat my life. i made a comment on tor.com (even though i dislike even going there now); and a couple of posts elsewhere, about why i consider the thirteenth child's premise and world-building a failure. and that's that; i don't need to see more white SFF writers splatter themselves with defensive manure -- they might not be ashamed to hang their hairy white butts out in public, but i am ashamed for them.

juls -- well done. even if LMB didn't seem to get it. jo also rocks, for realizing when she has set foot in a quagmire and instantly shifting to listening and thinking about what she hears instead of lecturing the directly affected people about interrogating the text from the correct perspective.

and here's one post by rushthatspeaks white folks should read, about history in america, and what has been lost, and how creepily disconcerting that is even if one just likes to read a good escapist story. it's a slightly offset mirror from my own impressions when i arrived in north america and felt ungrounded, something i wrote about in my private journal. i never found the right words for it, because at the time i knew even less than i know now about first nations, but rushthatspeaks gives me the words. thank you.

my new stairs!

click through for larger versions

stairs going up, engine behind. treads protected by pads.	stairs folded back, for better access to engine room and hanging locker.

i am standing in the fo'c's'le [ˈfoʊksəl], the cabin in the very front of the boat, which will be my space. i am looking towards the back of the boat. my loo will be in front of the red can (sorry, my MSD -- marine sanitation device). these stairs come out next to the pilot station, and there will be a door up there and a tambour closure so i can close the entire space off to cats, or to give privacy to a guest.

(don't pay attention to the style of this journal; i am experimenting with using LJ styles on DW.)

things done today

( click if you are REALLY bored )