nonpliments for trans people

[piranha]

i don't think my flist needs the reminder, but this dutch guy is also quite funny.

Comments

[holyschist]

He is indeed very funny!

[sophie]

Thanks for sharing the video! Just a warning to others if they do like I did and go to the actual video page - there are a few comments there that may make you rage. Most of the comments are fine, but it's one thread in particular that is just... no.

[edited to say two things: First, sorry for replying to your comment, holyschist - I was confused by the style of the journal. Secondly, I made some assumptions that turned out to be false regarding the comment thread in question, so please disregard that.]

[piranha]

i don't read comments on youtube even for non-controversial subjects -- it feels to me like youtube attracts the stupidest of the stupid; it actually surprises me those people can operate a computer.

[seryn]

Most people don't like "nompliments". Whenever you have to give a caveat, it stops being a compliment. You don't tell people who are terminally ill, "You look good for someone with cancer." you say "That scarf is very cheerful! how are you feeling today?" Honesty is important.... so if you can't say something without the caveat, focus on something else that can be said truthfully. "That's a nice shirt." "Did you do something new to your hair, it looks especially nice today."

But I still suck at this interpersonal stuff. I frequently meet new people and say, "Wow. You're really tall." and feel like an idiot every time I see them forever.

[amberfox]

In a discussion after pointedly giving a bottle of sunscreen to a bunch of teenage first-time volunteers at the community garden, a friend commented that no one ever says that skin cancer makes you more beautiful on the outside. It's always "Don't you look good (for someone with cancer)!"

[meretia]

It's completely shallow, but he's hot, too. Mm, that accent.

[holyschist]

I, um, kind of had that thought, too. And then I felt shallow.

[flarenut]

Why feel shallow? If you thought he was hot for a trans guy, or funny for someone who's had lots of surgery, or really good at passing as a hot guy, or hot because of the moustache, now that would be shallow...

(It was really a bit weird for me watching this, because the most cutting remarks I've ever heard about the appearance/presentation of another trans person were from a (then) friend who was trans. In her defense, she came from an older generation where women were the enforcers of femininity, and had chosen in some ways a very traditionally feminine style for herself, but all through watching the video I had in the back of my mind how she might react to it.)

[piranha]

the transsexual community eats its own. seriously. some of the nastiest remarks about trans people i've heard from other trans people -- about passing in particular, and about having a more fluid gender expression. a lot of transsexuals buy into the traditional gender binary.

though i find it hard to blame them alone for that, because for the longest time you had to buy into it sufficiently to convince a psychiatrist you really were transsexual "enough" to deserve hormones therapy and SRS. still... i don't hang out in those groups anymore because the atmosphere was too vitriolic. i don't like tearing fellow comrades down; nobody in that position needs that.

[holyschist]

IDK, here he is being all funny and making an important point and I'm objectifying him? I dunno, I just feel a little wonky about that.

I think that in a lot of groups the worst enforcement often comes from inside...I would not say women aren't still the enforcers of femininity in my generation, for example--certainly all the "ewwwww body hair" I've received in my entire life have been from other women. I'm sure there's a term for this phenomenon.

[piranha]

hm. well, i think he's hot _because_ he's funny and outspoken; is that still objectification?

[holyschist]

Ha, true enough! Mmm, funny outspoken people.

[flarenut]

I guess the test for me is whether the same guy would come off as hot to you if he were talking about how black people's brains really are genetically inferior, or how women should stay out of the workplace and government. If yes, then yeah, you're being shallow...

[holyschist]

Ugh, fair point.

[piranha]

oh, speaking of hot, a couple of years ago i encountered balian buschmann:

[firecat]

♥

[outlier_lynn]

That was very good!

I often add "for a white guy" while "complimenting" someone for the narrow, privileged point of view on loud speaker.

And I know that most people spend all their time just getting by. It takes something more than average intelligence to avoid narrow stereotyping, unconsidered assumptions, or outright bigotry. And even then, the traps abound.

Difference is really difficult and frightening for human beings. It takes some active philosophical thinking to overcome that. Especially if one is in the privileged class of their community.

All that to say, "Thanks for posting that."