relationships

[piranha]

a nifty story in the guardian about couples who stayed together long-term, in different relationship patterns. i especially like that there's a story about a same-sex couple, and one about a couple that wasn't monogamous, though asking for a long-term clearly poly relationship between more than two people (and yes, i know several) is probably hoping for a bit too much. :)

i wish there were more of that in the media. i think a lot of serial monogamists who seem forever on the search for something that keeps eluding them could use examples of how to make a good life together in a less conventional relationship formation. it might spark alternative ideas.

that said, something we see even less of, is people who happily live by themselves all their lives. we have negative terms for them -- "old spinster", "eccentric bachelor", and the ones who prefer to live that way are all but invisible.

Comments

or my fav..

[starvingnerd.livejournal.com]

"creepy hermetic bastard"

[klwalton.livejournal.com]

Stating the obvious, I know, but since I've been doing some mouthing off about what it means to get older, be a grownup, and how cultural stereotypes inform our ideas of what those concepts mean, I am struck by my experience of American culture, its expectations of love and marriage and the real nature of love and marriage and how relationships evolve over time.

The article was wonderful, and has me pondering the above on several different levels. Right now those thoughts are hamsters running around in a cage, but eventually they will settle down into something coherent. I hope :).

that said, something we see even less of, is people who happily live by themselves all their lives. we have negative terms for them -- "old spinster", "eccentric bachelor", and the ones who prefer to live that way are all but invisible.

Yes, this. Strange how happily solitary people are looked at as wrong, as Other. I have a couple of these people in my life and they are two of the most together, confident, delightful people I know. Coincidence? I don't know. But they are both people who are completely comfortable in their own skins, and come to their relationships with other people from a position of strength instead of a position of weakness (if that makes sense).

[janetmk.livejournal.com]

Every Sunday the Washington Post publishes a special profile of someone recently deceased in a series headed "A Local Life." Last Sunday's story (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A59833-2005Jan8.html) mentioned the triad relationship--of 20 year's standing--of the subject.

[brooksmoses]

That's beautiful. Thank you for linking to it!

[kightp.livejournal.com]

I've lived happily by myself almost all my life, and it wouldn't surprise me at all to continue doing just that.

On the other hand, I kind of like the term "spinster," and adopted it as a self-descriptor in a Usenet group more than a decade ago.

[ailbhe]

Where I come from, "mad old spinster" means "interesting non-mainstream free-thinking happily-single independent woman" and is mainly distinct from "boring unambitious school-university-career-marriage woman depending on a man for self-esteem". One refers to "my aunt Pat - a mad old spinster, you'll love her," for example.

Just sayin'.

No damn' WONDER I'm so defensive about having decided that what I want to do is read books and raise babies... Eek.

[tigertoy.livejournal.com]

I've two threads of thought that spin off of what you wrote.

One is that I've ranted before about how I feel that society discriminates against me because I am single. Economically, because most middle-class jobs include paid health care and family leave benefits for a worker's traditional family -- a significant cost to the employer, even if it doesn't show up in the "gross pay" column on the pay stub -- which a single person doesn't get. Socially, because so many social functions are so structured for couples that you not only feel uncomfortable yourself, you often make the host or other attendees uncomfortable if you show up alone.

The other is that while there are some who are single by choice and happy about it, there are others who may *look* happy but are actually putting a brave face on a situation they're not satisfied with. I think many people who are single (whether they seem happy with their lives or not) are forced into that condition because society's iron-hard insistence that the the only "right" way to live is to find one person of the opposite sex and have a strictly monogamous relationship with that person doesn't work for them.

I wholly agree that society badly needs to recognize that there are many more ways to live than are dreamt of in Jerry Falwell's philosophy, and openly showing and discussing positive examples of any way that some set of people makes work for them is a very good thing.

[mayaknife.livejournal.com]

I've ranted before about how I feel that society discriminates against me because I am single.

This is used to drive me crazy as well. I'd receive restaurant coupons offering me one free entree with the purchase of a second entree. What the heck am I gonna do with two entrees?

I remember my reaction when I came across one which made such an offer but added "or get one entree at half-price". There I was, being absurdly grateful to find a mail-shot promotion targetted at me. sheesh.

there are some who are single by choice and happy about it, there are others who may *look* happy but are actually putting a brave face on a situation they're not satisfied with

When I was single, I started out in the first category and, after several years of being happy with it, slowly drifted into the second. The problem was that it took a while for me to realize that I had shifted and was no longer happy with my singleness.