survey goodness
Dec. 1st, 2007 12:52![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
piranhathis came as one of those surveys that are terminally boring to read for me, but ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
firecat made hers interesting. and since i am mostly not posting because i am depressed and don't want to write about that, i can use firecat's approach to write something introspective but not (too) depressing. i mostly don't remember dates, so i am simply gonna twist this survey all out of shape by not listing ages but just writing about what i remember as significant. :)
At what age were you when you first...
1. Fell in love -- that's such a complex feeling that i always flail when people talk about it as if it were this clear concept that somehow only applies to romantic/sexual attraction. i feel very similar things towards animals, nature, and about some places. some of my earliest good feelings (i was 4? 5? before elementary school) are about experiencing this strong attraction and affinity for a place in the forest; i can still remember it, and one reason i love mononoke hime by miyazaki is that it has such a place in it. i also think that i am falling in love with certain things japanese now because i am feeling a definite affinity with japanese aesthetics and shinto views of nature; it harkens back to what has sustained me during my darkest times. it's all very romantic to me as well, in the sense of exploring and discovering, but never in a way that conquers and places "i was here" markers, but in a way that disturbs as little as possible. it's a very "pure" love, it doesn't ask for anything more than there already is. i don't think my falling in love with people is always quite as pure, though i like it best when it is, when it just delights in the other.
2. Got a Myspace account -- i still don't have one. i don't want one; myspace overall assaults my eyes and ears. i did the facebook thing but was bored of it a couple days later. it seems all flash and little content.
3. Got drunk -- my first year in college. a group of us went to a place to dance and people ordered pitchers of "long island ice tea". i was new to all of it, dancing, bars/pubs, and alcohol. "ice tea" sounded innocuous, and i was thirsty. oi. didn't do much dancing after that. hated the experience, never got drunk again.
4. Smoked weed -- one toke, didn't inhale. i went to a co-ed high school graduation party where i felt totally out of place. something people were smoking smelled weird, not like cigarette or pipe smoke. they were handing around a handrolled cigarette. i sucked on it once, coughed and coughed and coughed. and then i got a headache. i didn't realize until later that that was marijuana. yes, i was incredibly naive at 17. haven't smoked it since, though exposure to it in closed spaces still always gives me a headache.
5. Got french kissed -- i was 12. this is a very mixed-feeling memory; my earliest sexual experiences were not consensual, and i won't write about it lest this entry turn depressing.
6. Went to the hospital for surgery -- whenever i got my tonsils out was the first time. at 17 was the most significant time; i had broken my arm when i fell down the stairs trying to escape from my mother at full wrath insanity. when i woke up the next morning i had a spiritual experience that lost me my faith. that was the best thing that could have happened to me; it precipitated me planning to leave my birth family as soon as my arm healed. which saved my life.
7. Got your heart broken badly -- my parents broke my heart so badly that no romantic disaster has ever topped that. the closest was my first real partnership; when i walked in on my spouse cheating on me, and when we couldn't salvage anything afterwards, that was quite disastrous too. but mainly because i had already known i made a mistake, i knew it when i made the promises, and a part of me believed that it served me right that it all failed so badly, that it was to a large degree my fault, much more so mine than my partner's (i still believe that to be true). and i took that and learned everything i could from it, and consequently had no more disastrous relationships.
8. Lost a pet -- there are two animal deaths that affected me most. the first was the rabbit i shot when hunting with my father. i was so desparate for his love and attention that i learned to shoot to please him (he was an avid hunter). i was a good shot on targets, and so he finally took me along. i will never forget how it felt to pick up the rabbit who had just moments ago frolicked along with the others; it was still warm and yet the eyes were so dead. i didn't cry in front of my father, but at night when i laid in the backyard and looked at the stars i couldn't stop. i never went hunting again. the second was the abused dog whom i had rescued and worked hard to make him feel safe, who got badly hurt when some joyriding teens hit him with their car on a gravel road near our home. he didn't die right away, but it was way too late for the vet; i had to shoot him. that was the last time i touched a gun.
9. Got arrested -- never actually got arrested. got interrogated several times by the equivalent of the FBI because i lived in the same building as, and was friends with a member of a commune suspected of terrorist activities during the baader-meinhof years. it was frightening to me what amount of information they had on me, who was not particularly politically active. their treatment of me caused me to become very cautious about what i tell to whom, and it made me trust authorities a whole lot less.
10. Smoked a cigarette -- 18. after my bad experience with drinking, it became my attempt to belong and be cool. i smoked strong cigarettes without filter: gauloises and gitanes, and then hand-rolled because that was even cooler. i also wore all black, and a beret; oh ghod, i was such a sorry stereotype! i never inhaled, though. really! for a while i smoked pipe on the train because that meant fewer people would sit down in the same compartment. also, pipe was even more cool. i actually still think so. if i could stand tobacco the least bit, i'd be smoking one. i really enjoy the smell of non-burning pipe tobacco.
11. Broken a bone -- lots (caused by mother), but most significant at 17; complex fracture of the humerus. see #6.
12. Went to a concert -- i can't quite remember, it was so long ago. probably as a baby already, since there were concerts in our church. i joined the church choir when i was 6 and was also in the choir all through high school. through most of my teenage years i was only interested in classical music, and went only to classical concerts. i played recorder in elementary school and flute in my high school orchestra, and learned classical guitar when i was 16. knowing guitar got me on the road to various folk musics. my first non-classical big name concert was reinhard mey, in college. my first rock concert was a local band whose name i long forgot, also in college. my first big name rock concert was the who; i think i was 20 -- that was also my last big rock concert because i almost got trampled when a small-scale panic broke out. it took more than a decade before i went to another big one; i don't remember which one first, pink floyd or peter gabriel. i miss not making any music anymore, and i bought a guitar to remedy that, but haven't actually done anything much with it. i think i need to be alone for it.
13. Got your own cell phone -- don't have one. i don't want electronic ties.
14. Got a speeding ticket -- i don't remember, though there are very few, 3 i think. or only 2? one was automated, somewhere in europe. the only speeding ticket i do remember clearly was the one i got in minneapolis when i was driving like a speed demon to work off my anger at D who had lied to me about no longer having a relationship with zir ex (see? no broken hearts, just anger, *snrk*). D turned out to be quite the pathological liar, and i broke it off. too funny that i would remember that speeding ticket for this.
15. Run away -- 7. with a matchbox full of coins, aiming to jump a train. that didn't work out since i couldn't reach up high enough to get into one of the freight cars. i hid in the park after that, trying to think of where else to go, and my father found me.
16. Snuck out of the house -- as far back as i can remember. i'd lie down in the backyard and send thought waves out to the aliens out there on one of those stars that they should come and take me back home.
17. Pierced other than your ears -- my ears aren't even pierced. my body has all the natural holes it needs. piercing grosses me out.
18. Got a tattoo -- don't have one. but i've gone from thinking "ew, gross" to "oh, that would be neat, if only i could stand pain". i sometimes dream of myself as having a vine tattoo crossing my body, winding itself around one arm and leg. i also like irezumi, but that is never going to happen (cf. pain).
19. Bought porn -- i don't think i actually bought porn for porn's sake until i went nuts over yaoi this last year. i once bought a few mainstream porn magazines for research (they did nothing for me), and i've looked at other people's porn magz, but i never really cared for real-people porn enough.
22. Totaled a car -- i've never even come close doing it on my own, though i've been in two accidents in which the driver totalled the car. the worst i've done myself is taken out a headlight and dented the fender of my first car, because i was a moron. i had the biggest crush on one of my math professors, and i'd endeavour to "accidentally" run into zir. zie often worked late, and so i'd drive through the parking lot after work, counting windows to see whether zie was still there. and one night i got so distracted that i didn't notice the very large, looming parking lot light and *wham*, smacked right into it. that cured the crush.
23. Moved out of your parents' house -- my third time running away from home was at 17, and even though i still was naive, i was much better prepared than i had been at 7 and at 12. i've not been back since, and i've made a good life, so that event has to rank really high on the "best things i ever did" list.
24. How old are you now? -- too old. my body is falling apart. but parts of me are still young -- you'll never hear me scoff at today's music, or say "teenagers today", or anything like that. i like a lot of today's music, and i enjoy talking to today's teenagers. i am hoping against hope that we'll have nanobots or human mind transfer into computers before i croak, because my body is sending me messages that it's rapidly wearing out.
25. Had a kid -- never had one, never will. i would have made a lousy parent, and i am glad the one time when it looked like i accidentally might've ended up with offspring turned out the way it did. i've ever since been very careful about birth control, because that event set me really thinking about whether i actually wanted to perpetuate my genes and raise children. i knew i didn't want to perpetuate the parenting i grew up with. and the result of all that thinking was that i better not have children. i have more of a connection with animals anyway, and as a matter of fact i like them more too (though i do like some children, there is no guarantee that i would like any specific child -- i don't buy that people always love their own children, because i have seen plenty who don't).
26. Got married -- see "got your heart broken badly" for the timing; it was my first real full-fledged romantic/sexual relationship. now i disdain marriage as a state-sponsored institution.
firecat made hers interesting. and since i am mostly not posting because i am depressed and don't want to write about that, i can use firecat's approach to write something introspective but not (too) depressing. i mostly don't remember dates, so i am simply gonna twist this survey all out of shape by not listing ages but just writing about what i remember as significant. :) At what age were you when you first...
1. Fell in love -- that's such a complex feeling that i always flail when people talk about it as if it were this clear concept that somehow only applies to romantic/sexual attraction. i feel very similar things towards animals, nature, and about some places. some of my earliest good feelings (i was 4? 5? before elementary school) are about experiencing this strong attraction and affinity for a place in the forest; i can still remember it, and one reason i love mononoke hime by miyazaki is that it has such a place in it. i also think that i am falling in love with certain things japanese now because i am feeling a definite affinity with japanese aesthetics and shinto views of nature; it harkens back to what has sustained me during my darkest times. it's all very romantic to me as well, in the sense of exploring and discovering, but never in a way that conquers and places "i was here" markers, but in a way that disturbs as little as possible. it's a very "pure" love, it doesn't ask for anything more than there already is. i don't think my falling in love with people is always quite as pure, though i like it best when it is, when it just delights in the other.
2. Got a Myspace account -- i still don't have one. i don't want one; myspace overall assaults my eyes and ears. i did the facebook thing but was bored of it a couple days later. it seems all flash and little content.
3. Got drunk -- my first year in college. a group of us went to a place to dance and people ordered pitchers of "long island ice tea". i was new to all of it, dancing, bars/pubs, and alcohol. "ice tea" sounded innocuous, and i was thirsty. oi. didn't do much dancing after that. hated the experience, never got drunk again.
4. Smoked weed -- one toke, didn't inhale. i went to a co-ed high school graduation party where i felt totally out of place. something people were smoking smelled weird, not like cigarette or pipe smoke. they were handing around a handrolled cigarette. i sucked on it once, coughed and coughed and coughed. and then i got a headache. i didn't realize until later that that was marijuana. yes, i was incredibly naive at 17. haven't smoked it since, though exposure to it in closed spaces still always gives me a headache.
5. Got french kissed -- i was 12. this is a very mixed-feeling memory; my earliest sexual experiences were not consensual, and i won't write about it lest this entry turn depressing.
6. Went to the hospital for surgery -- whenever i got my tonsils out was the first time. at 17 was the most significant time; i had broken my arm when i fell down the stairs trying to escape from my mother at full wrath insanity. when i woke up the next morning i had a spiritual experience that lost me my faith. that was the best thing that could have happened to me; it precipitated me planning to leave my birth family as soon as my arm healed. which saved my life.
7. Got your heart broken badly -- my parents broke my heart so badly that no romantic disaster has ever topped that. the closest was my first real partnership; when i walked in on my spouse cheating on me, and when we couldn't salvage anything afterwards, that was quite disastrous too. but mainly because i had already known i made a mistake, i knew it when i made the promises, and a part of me believed that it served me right that it all failed so badly, that it was to a large degree my fault, much more so mine than my partner's (i still believe that to be true). and i took that and learned everything i could from it, and consequently had no more disastrous relationships.
8. Lost a pet -- there are two animal deaths that affected me most. the first was the rabbit i shot when hunting with my father. i was so desparate for his love and attention that i learned to shoot to please him (he was an avid hunter). i was a good shot on targets, and so he finally took me along. i will never forget how it felt to pick up the rabbit who had just moments ago frolicked along with the others; it was still warm and yet the eyes were so dead. i didn't cry in front of my father, but at night when i laid in the backyard and looked at the stars i couldn't stop. i never went hunting again. the second was the abused dog whom i had rescued and worked hard to make him feel safe, who got badly hurt when some joyriding teens hit him with their car on a gravel road near our home. he didn't die right away, but it was way too late for the vet; i had to shoot him. that was the last time i touched a gun.
9. Got arrested -- never actually got arrested. got interrogated several times by the equivalent of the FBI because i lived in the same building as, and was friends with a member of a commune suspected of terrorist activities during the baader-meinhof years. it was frightening to me what amount of information they had on me, who was not particularly politically active. their treatment of me caused me to become very cautious about what i tell to whom, and it made me trust authorities a whole lot less.
10. Smoked a cigarette -- 18. after my bad experience with drinking, it became my attempt to belong and be cool. i smoked strong cigarettes without filter: gauloises and gitanes, and then hand-rolled because that was even cooler. i also wore all black, and a beret; oh ghod, i was such a sorry stereotype! i never inhaled, though. really! for a while i smoked pipe on the train because that meant fewer people would sit down in the same compartment. also, pipe was even more cool. i actually still think so. if i could stand tobacco the least bit, i'd be smoking one. i really enjoy the smell of non-burning pipe tobacco.
11. Broken a bone -- lots (caused by mother), but most significant at 17; complex fracture of the humerus. see #6.
12. Went to a concert -- i can't quite remember, it was so long ago. probably as a baby already, since there were concerts in our church. i joined the church choir when i was 6 and was also in the choir all through high school. through most of my teenage years i was only interested in classical music, and went only to classical concerts. i played recorder in elementary school and flute in my high school orchestra, and learned classical guitar when i was 16. knowing guitar got me on the road to various folk musics. my first non-classical big name concert was reinhard mey, in college. my first rock concert was a local band whose name i long forgot, also in college. my first big name rock concert was the who; i think i was 20 -- that was also my last big rock concert because i almost got trampled when a small-scale panic broke out. it took more than a decade before i went to another big one; i don't remember which one first, pink floyd or peter gabriel. i miss not making any music anymore, and i bought a guitar to remedy that, but haven't actually done anything much with it. i think i need to be alone for it.
13. Got your own cell phone -- don't have one. i don't want electronic ties.
14. Got a speeding ticket -- i don't remember, though there are very few, 3 i think. or only 2? one was automated, somewhere in europe. the only speeding ticket i do remember clearly was the one i got in minneapolis when i was driving like a speed demon to work off my anger at D who had lied to me about no longer having a relationship with zir ex (see? no broken hearts, just anger, *snrk*). D turned out to be quite the pathological liar, and i broke it off. too funny that i would remember that speeding ticket for this.
15. Run away -- 7. with a matchbox full of coins, aiming to jump a train. that didn't work out since i couldn't reach up high enough to get into one of the freight cars. i hid in the park after that, trying to think of where else to go, and my father found me.
16. Snuck out of the house -- as far back as i can remember. i'd lie down in the backyard and send thought waves out to the aliens out there on one of those stars that they should come and take me back home.
17. Pierced other than your ears -- my ears aren't even pierced. my body has all the natural holes it needs. piercing grosses me out.
18. Got a tattoo -- don't have one. but i've gone from thinking "ew, gross" to "oh, that would be neat, if only i could stand pain". i sometimes dream of myself as having a vine tattoo crossing my body, winding itself around one arm and leg. i also like irezumi, but that is never going to happen (cf. pain).
19. Bought porn -- i don't think i actually bought porn for porn's sake until i went nuts over yaoi this last year. i once bought a few mainstream porn magazines for research (they did nothing for me), and i've looked at other people's porn magz, but i never really cared for real-people porn enough.
22. Totaled a car -- i've never even come close doing it on my own, though i've been in two accidents in which the driver totalled the car. the worst i've done myself is taken out a headlight and dented the fender of my first car, because i was a moron. i had the biggest crush on one of my math professors, and i'd endeavour to "accidentally" run into zir. zie often worked late, and so i'd drive through the parking lot after work, counting windows to see whether zie was still there. and one night i got so distracted that i didn't notice the very large, looming parking lot light and *wham*, smacked right into it. that cured the crush.
23. Moved out of your parents' house -- my third time running away from home was at 17, and even though i still was naive, i was much better prepared than i had been at 7 and at 12. i've not been back since, and i've made a good life, so that event has to rank really high on the "best things i ever did" list.
24. How old are you now? -- too old. my body is falling apart. but parts of me are still young -- you'll never hear me scoff at today's music, or say "teenagers today", or anything like that. i like a lot of today's music, and i enjoy talking to today's teenagers. i am hoping against hope that we'll have nanobots or human mind transfer into computers before i croak, because my body is sending me messages that it's rapidly wearing out.
25. Had a kid -- never had one, never will. i would have made a lousy parent, and i am glad the one time when it looked like i accidentally might've ended up with offspring turned out the way it did. i've ever since been very careful about birth control, because that event set me really thinking about whether i actually wanted to perpetuate my genes and raise children. i knew i didn't want to perpetuate the parenting i grew up with. and the result of all that thinking was that i better not have children. i have more of a connection with animals anyway, and as a matter of fact i like them more too (though i do like some children, there is no guarantee that i would like any specific child -- i don't buy that people always love their own children, because i have seen plenty who don't).
26. Got married -- see "got your heart broken badly" for the timing; it was my first real full-fledged romantic/sexual relationship. now i disdain marriage as a state-sponsored institution.
no subject
on 2007-12-01 23:35 (UTC)no subject
on 2007-12-02 03:50 (UTC)no subject
on 2007-12-02 05:39 (UTC)no subject
on 2007-12-02 10:16 (UTC)no subject
on 2007-12-02 14:32 (UTC)no subject
on 2007-12-02 17:59 (UTC)You have had a very difficult life, thank you for the confession...
I know you very little... but you're one of the most brilliant people I've ever met...your view on life (at least the small part that is mirrored to your posts/comments) earned my respect immediatelly and I know that if I ever need advice in my life, you're one of the few people I could turn too...
I enjoy your company very much, please be healthy!!!
no subject
on 2007-12-03 16:19 (UTC)But I have to go write it first.
8^)