oh yeah, totally not sleeping
Oct. 4th, 2007 04:06![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
piranhai don't want to read smut cause i don't want gayboy to get excited. we've had enough excitement for the day.
fine, i meme. and i'll cut because icare don't want anyone to throw rotten tomatoes at me.
i "divorced" my birth family when i was 17, haven't seen them since, and never want to again either.
i am transgendered/transsexual. i used to think it was only the first, but now i think it's really the second. but i am not gonna do anything about it because SRS surgery is such a lousy option and i don't care enough about "presentation". it sucks. it chafes terribly, every day. it's my biggest regret in life that i can't wave a magic wand and change sex.
i am polyamorous. i have two life partners, one i live with, one who lives way too far away in the wrong country to boot.
i am a voracious reader. fiction, non-fiction, genre, and lately manga; if it's printed i will read it. i read even tabloids at the grocery checkout despite hating tabloids. i own thousands of books (and this is my second set of thousands, i left roughly 6000 behind in europe when i migrated across the pond).
i love usenet. no other electronic communication medium can come close. i am glad that i was on it during its golden years. it changed my life, and all for the better. i met most of you through it, and that's a good thing. i miss it, but for some reason i can't go back.
i have chronic depression. it's not totally debilitating, but it's getting pretty darn close. it doesn't make me particularly sad (the effects make me sad, if you grok the difference), it saps me of all round tuits and oomph to make things happen, and it affects my memory in ways that make learning new things hard, which is an extra suck icing on top of the suck cake because i love, love, love learning new things. i am still the happiest depressed person my shrink ever knew, but i am not as happy anymore as i was when he said that; it's starting to wear me down.
i collect other people's hobbies (also their cool coinages, this one is firecat's). i never met a hobby i didn't like, for a time. see "i love, love, love learning new things".
i was born in europe, lived in a variety of different european countries, then lived in the US for more than 10 years, and have now lived in canada for more than 10 as well. when i lived in the US it always felt temporary; i thought i'd return to europe some day, maybe next year... but i like canada, and feel relatively at home here. not entirely though. it's not old enough.
i am verbose. to some degree i think that's good because i try to find good words, precise words, to describe complex issues, and i feel they require that. but alas, tl; dr.
i am straightforward to the point of rudeness -- eye of the beholder and all. this worked well on usenet. it does not work on LJ. i don't like how mealy-mouthed i am becoming here, but i am still way over in the "rude" category for many LJers.
i am post-menopausal. i celebrated. i couldn't wait for it, and i was ecstatic when perimenopause hit me in my 40s. i am still totally over the moon (ha!) about it. fucking female body and all its ooze -- if there is reincarnation i will be pissed if i get another one of these.
more than gender dysphoria i also have some degree of species dysphoria. in my mind's eye i don't picture myself as human. when i was a young child, long before i discovered SFF, i was certain that aliens from another planet (in another star system) had dropped me here in utero for some sort of research. i laid in the backyard at night and sent out thought waves letting them know to please pick me back up because i was so lonely and humans somehow KNEW i was an alien, cause they didn't like me. i know this is utter bull, but still carry a faint hope for the research mission to end. right after i win the lotto, i'm guessing.
i have a weird mindset where i simultaneously am really fine with myself, and like how i am quite a bit, and feel i am pretty easy-going, but am convinced other people find me boring / difficult to get along with, and wouldn't miss me if i were gone. which is apparently untrue for at least two of them, but a small part of me thinks they will change their minds.
i have a metal rod in my left arm from when i broke it at 21. it was supposed to get removed after the arm had healed, but i never went back to the hospital to get that done. there's a small scar on my shoulder where they put it in, in the form of the first letter of my birth name. sometimes i ponder having a tattoo done to cover that up, erasing the last vestiges of anything to do with the toxic birth family.
speaking of tattoos, once i disliked them a lot because i thought only gangsters wore them. now i dislike their trendiness. but i am actually liking more and more of the designs i see, especially the colourful japanese ones. some day i really might get one done after all. something that winds around my arm and disappears down my back, maybe. only, i am not into pain.
fine, i meme. and i'll cut because i
i "divorced" my birth family when i was 17, haven't seen them since, and never want to again either.
i am transgendered/transsexual. i used to think it was only the first, but now i think it's really the second. but i am not gonna do anything about it because SRS surgery is such a lousy option and i don't care enough about "presentation". it sucks. it chafes terribly, every day. it's my biggest regret in life that i can't wave a magic wand and change sex.
i am polyamorous. i have two life partners, one i live with, one who lives way too far away in the wrong country to boot.
i am a voracious reader. fiction, non-fiction, genre, and lately manga; if it's printed i will read it. i read even tabloids at the grocery checkout despite hating tabloids. i own thousands of books (and this is my second set of thousands, i left roughly 6000 behind in europe when i migrated across the pond).
i love usenet. no other electronic communication medium can come close. i am glad that i was on it during its golden years. it changed my life, and all for the better. i met most of you through it, and that's a good thing. i miss it, but for some reason i can't go back.
i have chronic depression. it's not totally debilitating, but it's getting pretty darn close. it doesn't make me particularly sad (the effects make me sad, if you grok the difference), it saps me of all round tuits and oomph to make things happen, and it affects my memory in ways that make learning new things hard, which is an extra suck icing on top of the suck cake because i love, love, love learning new things. i am still the happiest depressed person my shrink ever knew, but i am not as happy anymore as i was when he said that; it's starting to wear me down.
i collect other people's hobbies (also their cool coinages, this one is firecat's). i never met a hobby i didn't like, for a time. see "i love, love, love learning new things".
i was born in europe, lived in a variety of different european countries, then lived in the US for more than 10 years, and have now lived in canada for more than 10 as well. when i lived in the US it always felt temporary; i thought i'd return to europe some day, maybe next year... but i like canada, and feel relatively at home here. not entirely though. it's not old enough.
i am verbose. to some degree i think that's good because i try to find good words, precise words, to describe complex issues, and i feel they require that. but alas, tl; dr.
i am straightforward to the point of rudeness -- eye of the beholder and all. this worked well on usenet. it does not work on LJ. i don't like how mealy-mouthed i am becoming here, but i am still way over in the "rude" category for many LJers.
i am post-menopausal. i celebrated. i couldn't wait for it, and i was ecstatic when perimenopause hit me in my 40s. i am still totally over the moon (ha!) about it. fucking female body and all its ooze -- if there is reincarnation i will be pissed if i get another one of these.
more than gender dysphoria i also have some degree of species dysphoria. in my mind's eye i don't picture myself as human. when i was a young child, long before i discovered SFF, i was certain that aliens from another planet (in another star system) had dropped me here in utero for some sort of research. i laid in the backyard at night and sent out thought waves letting them know to please pick me back up because i was so lonely and humans somehow KNEW i was an alien, cause they didn't like me. i know this is utter bull, but still carry a faint hope for the research mission to end. right after i win the lotto, i'm guessing.
i have a weird mindset where i simultaneously am really fine with myself, and like how i am quite a bit, and feel i am pretty easy-going, but am convinced other people find me boring / difficult to get along with, and wouldn't miss me if i were gone. which is apparently untrue for at least two of them, but a small part of me thinks they will change their minds.
i have a metal rod in my left arm from when i broke it at 21. it was supposed to get removed after the arm had healed, but i never went back to the hospital to get that done. there's a small scar on my shoulder where they put it in, in the form of the first letter of my birth name. sometimes i ponder having a tattoo done to cover that up, erasing the last vestiges of anything to do with the toxic birth family.
speaking of tattoos, once i disliked them a lot because i thought only gangsters wore them. now i dislike their trendiness. but i am actually liking more and more of the designs i see, especially the colourful japanese ones. some day i really might get one done after all. something that winds around my arm and disappears down my back, maybe. only, i am not into pain.
no subject
on 2007-10-04 12:41 (UTC)Do you actually want to change sex -- I mean, do you actually want to be a man? I thought you wanted to be a neither, or a both, or something? Have you read this (http://bard-bloom.livejournal.com/32930.html) about that?
Montreal has some history, some sense of there being a layered past. Not enough, but a reasonable degree.
gender/sex
on 2007-10-04 13:29 (UTC)i started out wanting a male body, but argued about that with myself, and after doing a lot of reading decided i was probably just transgendered. i now think i was wrong. i still conflated sex and gender to some degree even though i tried to get away from that. i thought i just wanted to be neuter, but actually have come to realize i want a male body (i really do have penis envy; i want one so badly -- i think gayboy and his sexual interest is a very clear manifestation of that). it might have something to do with the species dysphoria getting less pronounced -- i used to not want a human body at all, so why pick male over female? in my mind's eye where i see myself i don't have a particularly male body, but i do have a penis of sorts (retractable and slightly prehensile :).
but i don't want to be a man with all the stupid gender stereotypes _that_ entails; it'd only be marginally better overall than being a woman. i still want a neutral gender, a gender where it doesn't matter to anyone which chromosomes and which genitals i have -- unless, maybe, they want to have sex with me. it shouldn't matter for anything else. i think a gender of "geek" is good terminology for me; it doesn't have some of the weird connotations "neuter" has.
thanks for the link -- no, i never read that before, don't know the person. but the start of it is very much how i feel about my non-male body parts (i find it even hard to say "female" in regard to myself, everything revulses). and yeah, that sounds like zir definition of the neuter gender zie wants is pretty close to mine.
no subject
on 2007-10-04 15:50 (UTC)"when i was a young child, long before i discovered SFF, i was certain that aliens from another planet (in another star system) had dropped me here in utero for some sort of research. i laid in the backyard at night and sent out thought waves letting them know to please pick me back up because i was so lonely and humans somehow KNEW i was an alien, cause they didn't like me. i know this is utter bull, but still carry a faint hope for the research mission to end."
reminds me of the absolutely brilliant Joanna Russ story "Souls". Sometimes I feel the same way, but I write it off to moving too much as a child and being waaay to smart (for some variables of smart).
most of the rest I knew or had assumed. parava illa (tamil variously "it doesn't matter", literally more like "nothing to see").
I like the verbose. I value the straightforward. I identify with the voracious reading and neophilia. the writing more or less uniformly rocks.
Re: gender/sex
on 2007-10-04 15:52 (UTC)no subject
on 2007-10-04 15:53 (UTC)Oh! And one more thing!
on 2007-10-04 15:54 (UTC)no subject
on 2007-10-04 16:15 (UTC)Yeah, I agree. It was a great thing, and I'm pleased to have been alive and using it when it was good. (Also to have met you there.)
How large is the metal rod in your left arm? Any idea?
my arm bone is connected to my funny bone
on 2007-10-04 19:03 (UTC)Re: Oh! And one more thing!
on 2007-10-04 19:07 (UTC)though that person is really not wrong. nobody is ever really wrong, considering. :) they might be wrong in what they envision, but then so are most people who meet me in person without having the benefit of usenet or LJ knowledge; they think what they see is what they get.
no subject
on 2007-10-04 19:11 (UTC)thank you. :)
you know tamil, or is this just one of those perfect terms that everyone should know, like "zeitgeist" or "laissez-faire"?
i should get ahold of that story. joanna russ is much goodness.
Re: my arm bone is connected to my funny bone
on 2007-10-04 19:20 (UTC)Re: my arm bone is connected to my funny bone
on 2007-10-04 19:57 (UTC)the rod doesn't even set off metal detectors.
prehensile penis
on 2007-10-04 20:00 (UTC)i probably should never recommend you any manga where catboys with tails feature large, because you just know what they're gonna do with those tails...
Re: prehensile penis
on 2007-10-04 20:05 (UTC)Re: Oh! And one more thing!
on 2007-10-04 20:06 (UTC)Re: gender/sex
on 2007-10-05 00:30 (UTC)I had to look up the difference between transgender and transexual and I'm sure I still couldn't succinctly explain the differences to someone. Prehensile penis was a new term for me until I remembered I'd read about dolphin penises in Jules Jones "Dolphin Dreams" (now I want to go back and re-read it to see if I missed any penises typing up memos or pouring cups of coffee). "Penis envy" I was already familiar with. XD
You're still gender-whatever to me, and that's how I likes yaz.
no subject
on 2007-10-05 15:32 (UTC)calls 'em as I sees em :)
my tamil is sadly limited. maybe a hundred words of active vocabulary, and another couple of hundred passive. pretty pitiful really, considering I've spent close to a decade in south India (1991-1995, then a few months here and there every year or so since then). unfortunately don't have facility with languages and didn't ever need to become literate. paarava illa is indeed one of the useful phrases though.
"Souls" is most easily accessible in Russ, Joanna EXTRA(ORDINARY) PEOPLE ISBN: 0807062995 (trade pb), although it appears to be OOP. the whole book (a collection of related short storys, sort of) is to be highly recommended. I'll pretty much read anything she has written though, so I'm not exactly unbiased.