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fear and loathing of diets
Sep. 12th, 2013 13:43there is some form of diet talk in here, so beware of potential triggers.
jesse asked about it, and yeah, i've thought of giving gloria the HAES materials now, but i really don't like proselytizing, even if it is for a good cause (of course all proselytizers think it's for a good cause). so i am gonna wait until she brings out actual "yay, weight loss, good for you" talk. i think. it's a bit ironic because she is clearly struggling with her own fat, because it's not at where society thinks it should be for a fitness instructor, so she could possibly use the information now. i need to think on it a bit more. maybe we need to have a more honest talk about her assumptions for me. it's all still new, and i primarily want her to teach me about strength training, so i am shying away from ancillary talk (which will aggravate me, and heck, possibly her too). we're not friends, you know?
also, i AM losing weight right now, if not on purpose. shifting to a mostly vegetarian diet, eating more mindfully, eating out very rarely, and consuming lots of nutrients in raw veg/fruit smoothies means that i often inadvertantly take in fewer calories than would be maintenance. trying to eat more "mindfully" means actually paying attention to what/when i am eating instead of shoveling it in while i am distracted by reading, so i've become more conscious of satiety clues. i'm keeping a food diary for nutritional purposes and i can see how it happens (and i am careful that i don't get caught up with the numbers). so my body is doing the officially expected thing -- fewer calories + more physical activity = weight loss.
except i know that will stop quite some time before i reach any officially sanctioned "ideal" weight or "good" BMI, and i am honestly fine with that. i've never been skinny in my life, not even when i was very healthy and working physically all day; i just don't think it's in my genetic makeup. i am expecting my mindful eating will get to a point where i won't need a food diary -- i know i could try without even now, but i really, really do not want to get diabetes, i feel i need to learn more about vitamin and mineral content of foods as well, and i've got terrible habits from growing up re preparing nutritious meals. yeah, that is still "diet talk", i know. but i think i need to do it for my peace of mind. i am pushing back as hard as i can against the idiotic "war on obesity", any harder would be counter-productive.
i believe i am not putting too much pressure on myself because it doesn't feel the same way as it felt when i was dieting; i am not feeling deprived, nor on edge about food all the time. when i want to eat a carton of that fine raspberry truffle cheesecake ice cream, i eat a carton of ice cream (actually i don't ever eat the whole thing at a sitting anymore, because allowing myself to just eat it instead of carefully controlling portions seems to remove the desire. funny how that works.). i know it's still dangerous, which is why i want to talk to a fat nutritionist, who knows about all the pitfalls and can help me watch out for them.
but yeah, it feels like an odd time to talk to gloria about HAES. it's not really, but it feels it would be more natural if my body had settled into its perfectly happy, fat stage where i am not gaining or losing while eating what i want and being as healthy as i can be. i was there once, before american obsession with dieting and pseudo-health infected me, so i am hoping i'll still recognize it when i get there.
jesse asked about it, and yeah, i've thought of giving gloria the HAES materials now, but i really don't like proselytizing, even if it is for a good cause (of course all proselytizers think it's for a good cause). so i am gonna wait until she brings out actual "yay, weight loss, good for you" talk. i think. it's a bit ironic because she is clearly struggling with her own fat, because it's not at where society thinks it should be for a fitness instructor, so she could possibly use the information now. i need to think on it a bit more. maybe we need to have a more honest talk about her assumptions for me. it's all still new, and i primarily want her to teach me about strength training, so i am shying away from ancillary talk (which will aggravate me, and heck, possibly her too). we're not friends, you know?
also, i AM losing weight right now, if not on purpose. shifting to a mostly vegetarian diet, eating more mindfully, eating out very rarely, and consuming lots of nutrients in raw veg/fruit smoothies means that i often inadvertantly take in fewer calories than would be maintenance. trying to eat more "mindfully" means actually paying attention to what/when i am eating instead of shoveling it in while i am distracted by reading, so i've become more conscious of satiety clues. i'm keeping a food diary for nutritional purposes and i can see how it happens (and i am careful that i don't get caught up with the numbers). so my body is doing the officially expected thing -- fewer calories + more physical activity = weight loss.
except i know that will stop quite some time before i reach any officially sanctioned "ideal" weight or "good" BMI, and i am honestly fine with that. i've never been skinny in my life, not even when i was very healthy and working physically all day; i just don't think it's in my genetic makeup. i am expecting my mindful eating will get to a point where i won't need a food diary -- i know i could try without even now, but i really, really do not want to get diabetes, i feel i need to learn more about vitamin and mineral content of foods as well, and i've got terrible habits from growing up re preparing nutritious meals. yeah, that is still "diet talk", i know. but i think i need to do it for my peace of mind. i am pushing back as hard as i can against the idiotic "war on obesity", any harder would be counter-productive.
i believe i am not putting too much pressure on myself because it doesn't feel the same way as it felt when i was dieting; i am not feeling deprived, nor on edge about food all the time. when i want to eat a carton of that fine raspberry truffle cheesecake ice cream, i eat a carton of ice cream (actually i don't ever eat the whole thing at a sitting anymore, because allowing myself to just eat it instead of carefully controlling portions seems to remove the desire. funny how that works.). i know it's still dangerous, which is why i want to talk to a fat nutritionist, who knows about all the pitfalls and can help me watch out for them.
but yeah, it feels like an odd time to talk to gloria about HAES. it's not really, but it feels it would be more natural if my body had settled into its perfectly happy, fat stage where i am not gaining or losing while eating what i want and being as healthy as i can be. i was there once, before american obsession with dieting and pseudo-health infected me, so i am hoping i'll still recognize it when i get there.