renaissance poisson

I still haven't figured out best practices in LJ, so I don't know if a new thread is a good idea or not. I didn't feel unsafe posting in this thread, so perhaps others will feel similarly empowered. You might also want to poke around in rivka's thread on the subject, since she is experienced with theraputic techniques and has started to delve into it.

Finding the right angle for feedback is tough. And very personal. You're doing this for you and your relationship with the person you're talking to, so I'm sure that you would want to gently probe in the directions that seem important and interesting to you. Of course, to the degree that you perceive the exchange as a conversation that you are participating in and not a story that you are listening to, you're going to not hear everything that might have been available to you. Having said all that, here is what I think about individual tactics.

As a rule, I don't like saying "I'm sorry," unless it really is my fault. Because there are only two comfortable responses to "I'm sorry": "That's okay" and "It's not your fault". But bias is not okay, and I don't want my friend to have to start talking about me right now. The other point about remaining silent is that as a member of the majority, the simple views are already taken for granted. If she wasn't sure that I would be sorry, she wouldn't have felt safe telling me about it. I'd rather show her that I was sorry than to interrupt her simply for the pleasure of hearing my own voice.

I agree that "That shouldn't happen" is less objectionable, but I think it can be expressed better. First, it is the "well duh" effect again. Second, compare it to "I didn't appreciate that such things happened in this day to people so close to me." It's the same fundimental emotion, but the latter says "Tell me more, if you're willing," while the former comes closer to saying "I'm uncomfortable, so let's talk instead about a fantasy world that our children might not live to see." There is a time for reinforcing that viewpoint, but it's not right now and it's another place where showing is better than telling.

I would suspect that other potentially beneficial things to say would be along the lines of "How does it feel to carry this burden around," or "I feel privilidged that you trusted me with this story," but I'm sure that those things would feel more or less right to you depending on your analysis of the moment. At the same time, I have found that just saying "Wow." and remaining silent until your partner continues the story or prompts you or changes the subject is not fatal and may encourage future revelations.