renaissance poisson

The problem is that the gate is opened every. single. time.

i understand that. i share the experience (though not actually every.single.time; i've had good conversations where that didn't happen -- albeit not on LJ. i think the venue matters. as does the familiarity of the participants. and the tone i set; i can't seem to find the right tone for LJ.)

but that's just ... life. it happens to everyone who's not firmly in the dominant culture, and that trickles down through all levels of subculture. if you discuss a difficult subject with random strangers, you will run into the very same initial lack of understanding over and over and over again. this should not come as a surprise, being as we're several billions too many people on this planet, and language, even if we're speaking the same one, is such an imperfect medium. i admit to occasional bogglement that it works at all.

complaining about it is understandable. but it's, aside from blowing off steam, largely a waste of time. shouting at the "other" to shut up is also not useful.

sometimes breaking down and crying can break through that, because it shows the pain instead of telling about it. it's worked on me to immediately focus on the other person, and forget all about myself. which is the same skill as active listening requires -- to empty one's mind of everything that's not helping focus on the other.

but overall what has worked best for me is to not make pronouncements with vast generalizations in public fora. i'm able to talk about my own experiences pretty well if i refrain from tarring lots of other people with negative brushstrokes.

question: if B's are told that they should be quiet and listen (in a courteous way), how do you know those who stop talking are not doing exactly that? after all, there is no feedback online that says so, or indicates that they're gone. i know from longtime net use that listeners vastly outnumber talkers. i know that i myself listen a lot more online than i write, and that's even more true for LJ than for usenet. if i am unfamiliar with a subject and an initial question is greeted with "im not here to teach you about this" (which is a legitimate response), i will usually not say anything further at all, but i'll go and read up on it. some time, often weeks or months later, i might have something to add, but man, on LJ discussions are dead after a few days; nobody ever comes back to them. this holds especially true for discussions of racism in america -- i've never so much as mentioned my own racial background in one of those; i tend to just sit and listen.