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gender-based observations
i was really glad the doctor and gary the scot were bantering with each other and with me. i love banter, especially when i feel crappy. it distracts me. it lightens the load a little. it gives the impression that things aren't that bad, that i can laugh problems in the face. it makes me feel like i am an equal to those who're treating me; we're all people and while i can't fix an unstable heart, they can't fix an unstable debian system.
during this episode, just like in situations before when i have been a patient, it's always some men who banter, and hardly ever any women. not a single woman bantered with me this time; one bantered with gary the scot. the women were either quiet and detached / very businesslike, or solicitous. neither works really well for me, though the former works better than the latter. some detached mannerisms make me feel like i am just a thing to them that they push and pull around according to what they need, regardless of my feelings about the matter. since they're trying to help me that's acceptable, but it leaves me feeling a bit inhuman. especially when they're also careless about restoring my comfort when they leave me -- not putting the blanket back over my exposed skin, for example, not returning my glasses to me.
solicitousness is much worse; it puts me into the role of an inferior, a helpless person, childlike; it stresses that things are bad, that i am to be pitied. it focusses the attention on the problem, doesn't let me escape a little. and i feel that if i laugh, they'll feel insulted that i am not appreciative of their efforts (and they are efforts; they are wrong for me, but i always appreciate people trying to help).
i am quite certain that the detached manner makes a lot of people feel bad, but i understand why health care practitioners do it; the job can eat you alive unless you keep some degree of detachment, and it's not easy to find the right degree. i'm also quite certain the solicitous manner works very well for vast numbers of people who come to hospital scared and anxious and feeling bad for themselves. and women in health care roles do that one generally better than men. but i almost always gravitate towards men in such situations, and the ones i stick with have a hearty sense of humour. it has nothing whatsoever to do with my assessment of their competence, just with comfort.
during this episode, just like in situations before when i have been a patient, it's always some men who banter, and hardly ever any women. not a single woman bantered with me this time; one bantered with gary the scot. the women were either quiet and detached / very businesslike, or solicitous. neither works really well for me, though the former works better than the latter. some detached mannerisms make me feel like i am just a thing to them that they push and pull around according to what they need, regardless of my feelings about the matter. since they're trying to help me that's acceptable, but it leaves me feeling a bit inhuman. especially when they're also careless about restoring my comfort when they leave me -- not putting the blanket back over my exposed skin, for example, not returning my glasses to me.
solicitousness is much worse; it puts me into the role of an inferior, a helpless person, childlike; it stresses that things are bad, that i am to be pitied. it focusses the attention on the problem, doesn't let me escape a little. and i feel that if i laugh, they'll feel insulted that i am not appreciative of their efforts (and they are efforts; they are wrong for me, but i always appreciate people trying to help).
i am quite certain that the detached manner makes a lot of people feel bad, but i understand why health care practitioners do it; the job can eat you alive unless you keep some degree of detachment, and it's not easy to find the right degree. i'm also quite certain the solicitous manner works very well for vast numbers of people who come to hospital scared and anxious and feeling bad for themselves. and women in health care roles do that one generally better than men. but i almost always gravitate towards men in such situations, and the ones i stick with have a hearty sense of humour. it has nothing whatsoever to do with my assessment of their competence, just with comfort.
no subject
What I get at the hospital seems to depend on what I put out. When I am in distress (at the emergency room with appendicitis; in for a post-miscarriage D&C) I get solicitousness from women and men that will not take no for an answer. (Demerol does not "take the edge off" pain or fear, for me; it takes away from my ability to cope. Please stop suggesting it.)
When I am self-possessed (in hospital after the appendectomy; having a mammogram; having a biopsy after a bad mammogram) I get banter, personal stories, praise for being "tough", joking praise for being "a compliant patient".
Doesn't seem to depend on whether the care provider is a woman or a man, a doctor or a nurse.
action and reaction
a couple of times i went in for (simple) tests, where everything was just business-like from all sides; nobody bantered at all. (and i didnt start it because i am not all that funny when i am just "there", and business-like suits me just fine then.)
though when i was a health care professional myself it did always seem like, while there is some overlap, men banter much more than women.