completely with you on defining violence. there's a book out i've had on my wishlist for a while, Insult to Injury: Rethinking Our Responses to Intimate Abuse by Linda Mills. have you read that by any chance? it sounds like it is dealing with this issue outside of the currently popular box.

the power imbalance between an adult and a child is so much larger than that between a grown man and a grown woman, and yet i see no acknowledgment of that. if a man hits a woman at all, regardless of the level of resulting inhury, feminists are screaming about it (generally with good cause, mind you; i am deeply opposed to violence other than for self-defense). but a woman can hit a small child, and that's apparently not worth at least questioning unless the injury is significant -- rashes and welts do not count. nevermind what it does psychologically to a child who is much more dependant on zir caregivers than any women is on a man, to have that caregiver act violently towards zir.

it boggles my mind that this isn't seriously examined.