piranha: red origami crane (Default)
somebody said in comments that zie felt that being entertained was more important than clothes, which struck immediate panic into my heart. (don't worry, you didn't say anything wrong, and i know it was supportive; i'm just gonna noodle on about my insecurities.)

there are reasons why i don't go to alt.polycons, even though i love the people of alt.poly to bits. one of the main reasons is that i think of myself as being sufficiently interesting in electrons, but mostly flat and boring in person -- unless i am super comfortable and "on". and for me to be super comfortable is a tall order; it comes with time, feeling the space is safe (safe for myself, as in knowing that any inanity i might spout due to insufficient time to think as much as i have online won't be held against me; safe for others that my dark sense of humour and my sarcasm won't hurt them); it requires relaxing so my thoughts can just flow (because i am no good at all when they don't). i'm also an extreme introvert; interacting with other people drains me, and the smarter those people are and the more there are of them, the faster this happens -- i use a lot of bandwidth in company because my brain observes and listens to everything, whether it happens right around me or at the other side of the room.

farthingparty will have smart people by the dozens. my natural inclination will be to sit in a corner and just watch. my favourite parties are the ones where i can do that, and only occasionally participate in a bit of conversation. that's selfish and really only works well with local friends -- people don't want to meet me once in a decade just to have me sit there and silently watch them. so i am prepared to interact -- and i really enjoy when that clicks -- but whether it does depends on so many things, most of which are not under my control. sometimes i try to be "on" when it's not happening, and then i babble inane crap that embarrasses me horribly the moment it has left my mouth (that alt.polyflock in toronto still ranks high in my memory as a disaster in that regard). in short, i am afraid i won't be able to do well, and will bore people stiff, disappoint them. i am not an entertainer of crowds ever; i do best in small, intimate discussions.

so please don't expect much of me. :) and rest assured that it's not personal; i don't usually take total dislikes to people i've known and liked online forever; my judgment is much better than that.

also, i rarely play competitive games. asking me to is ok (asking me is always ok), but please don't push me to do so (frex by explaining how your favourite game is really different); i'll be much happier watching.

oh, and hugging me is ok; i will love to hug each and every one of you whom i've known for so long online (if you want to be hugged). just don't do it from behind, unexpectedly.
piranha: red origami crane (Default)
dear self.

patterns that look really spiffy on drawn models of tall, slim men will not look that way on you. instead they will make you appear to be the pillsbury doughboy's older, much fatter auncle, especially when executed in offwhite cotton [1] and blousing around the hips due to the fabric's drape (or lack thereof). you knew that. why are you surprised and slightly dismayed?

this is not cheerful.

except for the part where i actually set up a cutting table, cleaned off half my desk, dug out my sewing machine, cleaned and oiled it, adjusted a pattern for shape and size, and had it come out pretty damn well, despite not having sewn anything in many years, especially not something with pockets at just the right height for comfortably lodging one's hands therein. i might do nothing more about this than rest on my laurels, but i am counting it as a qualified success.

[1] what passes for muslin in my fabric stash, since it was much cheaper at the time, and i didn't feel like cutting into the good fabric without making a muslin first since i had to adjust the pattern quite a bit to fit me.

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piranha: red origami crane (Default)
renaissance poisson

July 2015

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