piranha: stylized white figure lifting a red barbell with weights (Default)
after reading dog style, i was hoping i could go to sleep and dream about it, which i can often do if something has really emotionally affected me.

yeah, i dreamt about it. about the emotionally wrenching parts, until i woke up in tears again. damn.

because of other people's comments on the manga, i don't think this is all due to the wellbutrin either. anyway, i've been wanting to write about how i am doing on that, but it's been too depressing. each med i try that fails takes a little more hope away.

wellbutrin is giving me a little more energy, and it is also expanding my emotional range. unfortunately largely downwards, it seems, or maybe that just affects me much more. instead of comfortably numb i am now more depressed more often; pretty much an episode a day. it doesn't necessarily last long because i fight it, but it's exhausting; it uses up the additional energy and then some, it seems. i can rarely get myself out of the house now, even when the weather is good. i have thoughts again of just wanting to die so all the damn pain and the daily battle against it is over with. i am not actively suicidal (that would take too much effort, *wry grin*), but a couple of days ago i was thinking how nice it would be if i could just go to the humane society to have myself put to sleep. that's not good. it's not even as good as comfortably numb, because it wears me down more/faster.

i was gonna ask the doctor last time to add an SSRI that might lift me a bit, but i have lost all confidence in the guy, who never seems to really listen, and i got lost in reminding him of all my data once again while he stared at the computer screen the entire time and mumbled to himself, and then i couldn't get to the request before being rushed out. which means i really should look for another doctor, but that's a big effort each time, and with each doctor whose competence leaves something to be desired, that hurdle becomes higher. i already have to see a new internist because the previous (good one) retired, and my MIBI test came back with an area of my heart not receiving any blood flow. so next is probably an angiogram. i am not looking forward to more pieces of my body failing. i don't think i have it in me anymore to age gracefully.

i love that manga to bits, but considering how this is affecting me, maybe i should stay away from reading anything emotionally sad. i already don't watch any world news at all anymore, and have asked my partners to not talk about bad world news with me. i already don't read anything that's marked as tragedy. so now i need to cut down on everything with sad parts? what's left then?

each day my world gets a little smaller.

i can't stop crying today.

ok, enough sniveling. listening to BUMP OF CHICKEN will hopefully cheer me up.
piranha: young man knitting, scratching his head, confused (knitting)
you have to know german knitting shorthand to understand this at all, but if you do, i want to know whether you grok this:

Nun beidseitig je 6 M stilllegen und über die mittleren 41 M glatt re str, dabei in der 1. R 19X2 M re zusammenstricken = 22 M. Außerdem 6x am Ende jeder Hinr die letzte M re abheben, 1 M des Seitenteils re str und die abgehobene M überziehen, wenden, die 1. M li abheben [der Faden ist vor der Arbeit] bis vor die letzte M str, dann diese M mit 1 M des Seitenteils li zusammenstricken, wenden und die 1. M li abheben [der Faden ist hinter der Arbeit]. Zugleich in jeder 4. R 4x je 2 M abnehmen; dafür die 3. M re abheben, die 4. M re str und die abgehobene M überziehen; bis 4 M vor Ende der R str, dann 2 M re zusammenstricken und die letzten 2 M str = 14 M. Nach der letzten Abnahme noch 16 R gerade hoch str. Nun weiter mit Nadel Nr. 4.5 und 1 Faden noch 20 R glatt re str, dann die M abketten.


i am fluent in german and an intermediate knitter, so that's not the problem. it's just so confusingly written (what constitutes the "Seitenteil" is never defined; i am thinking it's the 6 stitches on both sides that have been laid aside in the first sentence). luckily i have a picture, though not a close-up, so i am hoping i'll be able to figure this out.

the depression really shows its ugly head in this; it requires concentration to hold several things at once in my head while performing a new task, and that runs up against my limits; very frustrating.

reference to the project in question: http://ravel.me/pi/3st
piranha: stylized white figure lifting a red barbell with weights (Default)
panicking now. did hardly get anything done today; the time just went into the big sinkhole in the sky where time so often goes for me.

sat there early this morning, eager to be doing things, winding the yarn i am taking into centerpull balls on a toiletpaper roll functioning as a short nostepinne. after two balls my wrists started hurting, and yeah, was i gonna sit here all day and wind yarn into balls? i had too much to do. so i went to the LYS and bought a yarn winder. which is something i now wish i had done years ago; it is such an immensely useful little gadget, and so fast! wound all the yarn i'm taking in no time, and was sorely tempted to attack the rest of my stash.

so that was good. but after it, i crashed. time went away, interrupted by going grocery shopping and having dinner at the vietnamese spices garden with the paramour, and picking up my powells order from the post office. when we came back i tried to make procmail do what i need it to do to not have my email box overrun while i am gone, and i couldn't concentrate. that started the panic, and then some more time went away, and now all i want to do is crawl into bed and make it all go away. stay home, not go anywhere.

this is why i bought tickets when i was feeling all excited about going. this always happens. and if i hadn't bought tickets, i would now no longer want to buy them. fucking depression.

*sigh*.

on the bright side, the paramour is an oscar nominee!
piranha: stylized white figure lifting a red barbell with weights (Default)
i've been contemplating the depression, since i actually have to get things done by a deadline, and that is something i sorta suck at at the best of times, and the depression tends to make sure there are no best of times. luckily i don't really have to get a whole lot done -- i basically have to decide on what clothes and books and entertainment to take, and pack that. naturally, this is the point in time where i realize that i don't actually have anything to wear but sweatpants, bike shorts, and tshirts. which is generally ok, except for some odd reason i would like to have something a wee bit more cheerful to put on, as sort of an expression of "yay, i am really looking forward to seeing all these wonderful people".

so i am contemplating some sewing. with 4 days to go. after not having sewn anything seriously for a decade. i am stupid. it's not like it's actually 4 days to go even, it's only 3 days since the bus leaves sunday morning. why am i doing this to myself?

well. we shall see. i have fabric. i have patterns. maybe i will, maybe i won't. i made room for a cutting board. i unearthed my sewing machine. i went to the fabric store and bought elastic and thread. i cleaned up the saw horses which have sat outside as a resting place for cats all summer, and it turned out my friendly european paper wasps had made a couple of small nests in there as well. these nests, i am sorry to say, are no more. all the ones under the roof persist; i haven't had the heart to kill those.

i also vacuumed the living room, just because it seemed like a thing to do. "whether it needs it or not" doesn't really apply in a house with 6 outdoor cats; it always needs it. while contemplating the depression and thinking that i am doing rather well, considering. i mean, well for really lowered standards, *snrk*. i went to the fabric store, i vacuumed, i exterminated wasps, and worked on the battery pack -- i made a wooden dowel battery to take up the missing space and carry the jumper wire to bridge that empty space (the holder is designed for 8 batteries but i can use only 7 for the correct voltage). this may not seem like a lot to normal people, but i am positively giddy with productivity vibes.

i am not even panicking yet.

damn

Apr. 19th, 2006 19:00
piranha: stylized white figure lifting a red barbell with weights (Default)
however wonderful it was to have such a major productivity streak, the crash now is really bad too. not only do i feel physically tired (i got up at 10:30, and want to crawl back into bed again now), and my brain feels devoid of any creative thought, but i am also getting more and more sad-depressed. *bleh*.

i think i'll go and buy a garden claw tomorrow, so i can work on making some more growing space in the backyard. maybe that'll cheer me up.
piranha: stylized white figure lifting a red barbell with weights (Default)
all cats "advantaged" today. the shipment got here on friday already; much faster than i anticipated -- this is the first time i've ordered from this place, and i'm pleased (i also checked whether the meds are genuine, since there have apparently been lots of fakes popping up). universal pet meds out of winnipeg. cheap, fast, and reliable -- woowoo.

i am alas an idiot. i should've ordered enough to do the landlord's dog too, since they're never catching on themselves, and i feel so bad for the dog.

other than that, i did heaps and heaps of laundry on saturday, even though it was hideously hot and humid, which is pretty amazing. i'm not entirely sure whether to ascribe this to the sweatsock juice, but it's certainly unusual for me to be feeling energetic when the temp rises above 25°C, and i've been doing fine ever since i started taking the stuff, all the while it's been hot. here's hoping this holds. i like having energy to burn. oh, do i ever like it. it's NICE to not feel like i am moving through molasses.

i stopped taking my SSRI 3 days ago because i want to see how this stuff does on its own. i had a slight buzz today. usually when i forget to take my pills i get a buzz on the second day, and by the third it's pretty bad. so whatever else the stuff is doing, it's keeping down the buzz from SSRI withdrawal. another 2-3 weeks and the SSRI should mostly be out of my system. then the real test begins.

speaking of cats, there's a new little one around the outside feeding dishes, all black. *sigh*.

oh, and i have a new scale, which measures up to 500g in 0.1g increments. it can also do oz, lb, ozt, dwt, gn, ct, and pieces. ecstasy in weighing lies ahead!
piranha: stylized white figure lifting a red barbell with weights (Default)
today i've started fighting the depression with herbal power. not st. john's wort, that makes me very tired. but i've looked into this for quite some time now and made a list of all the herbs where there is some evidence that they might have some improving effect on mood and energy, and i'm gonna run a long test with them.

in this first batch we have:
damiana (turnera aphrodisiaca), flower & leaf extract
rhodiola (rhodiola rosea), root extract
linden (tilia vulgaris), blossoms
valerian (aleriana officinalis), root
vervain (verbena officinalis), leaves, tops
skullcap (scutellaria laterifolia), aerials
borage (borago officinalis), leaves & oil
balm (melissa officinalis), leaves
ginkgo (ginkgo biloba), powdered leaf extract

lavender (lavandula angustifolia), essential oil
rosemary (rosmarinus officinalis), essential oil
bergamot (citrus bergamia), essential oil

raw materials infused for 15 min in 2 cups of boiling water, extracts added afterwards, with a little fish oil (omega 3, don'cha know) as flavouring. well, actually honey as flavouring. essential oils sprinkled on the sacrificial goat, so as to perfume the room with aromatherapeutic goodness.

much to my surprise, the concoction actually tastes pretty good.

i am planning to drink this mix 3 times a day. if it makes me tired, i am gonna take out the plants also known as sedatives, one by one. if it does something good, i'm thinking of taking out one ingredient at a time to see whether that changes things. if it does nothing, i have a second batch to process.

right now i am feeling quite invigorated. i am ascribing that to the pleasant surprise of this not tasting like total crap. :)

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