piranha: red origami crane (Default)
i wasn't going to get sucked into racefail II, the thirteenth child, but it happened anyway, so i might as well write about it.

i don't like to call what always happens in such discussion summarily "derailment", because hey, i cut my teeth on usenet, where thread drift was both an inherent bug and a feature, and i know from my own intentions at the time that i didn't mean to derail anything, i was just focussed on a subset of the issue, and especially when facts were in dispute, OMG SOMEBODY IS WRONG ON THE INTERNET, and i must set them straight. *rolls eyes at self*.

but it is of course derailment, intent or not. it distracts people from the main point of the thread, and quite often takes over completely. i know this too, because many a thread i would have liked to continue died under a load of fluff, or some side issue that was unimportant to the main points. and i think this is much more destructive in "flat" discussion (sites that don't offer threaded discussion irk me something fierce).

this has been something important for me to learn, and it so happens to be closely associated with GAS (geek answer syndrome): if i am ever so eager to make a small side point in a discussion about something vastly more important -- such as race -- i might want to restrain myself and not post it right then and there. if i think it's semi-important to the main argument (because bad facts undercut it), i must at the very least also contribute something to the main point.

i'm also thinking about how to narrow down the possibility for derailment from the start (my previous post got totally derailed immediately, and i know why). i think i might try and only talk about one subject at a time instead of letting loose half brain salad that's being tossed together as i speak.
piranha: red origami crane (Default)
and i'm moving away from it because otherwise it will eat my life. i made a comment on tor.com (even though i dislike even going there now); and a couple of posts elsewhere, about why i consider the thirteenth child's premise and world-building a failure. and that's that; i don't need to see more white SFF writers splatter themselves with defensive manure -- they might not be ashamed to hang their hairy white butts out in public, but i am ashamed for them.

juls -- well done. even if LMB didn't seem to get it. jo also rocks, for realizing when she has set foot in a quagmire and instantly shifting to listening and thinking about what she hears instead of lecturing the directly affected people about interrogating the text from the correct perspective.

and here's one post by [livejournal.com profile] rushthatspeaks white folks should read, about history in america, and what has been lost, and how creepily disconcerting that is even if one just likes to read a good escapist story. it's a slightly offset mirror from my own impressions when i arrived in north america and felt ungrounded, something i wrote about in my private journal. i never found the right words for it, because at the time i knew even less than i know now about first nations, but rushthatspeaks gives me the words. thank you.
piranha: red origami crane (Default)
only not so... fresh and green. :) just wet and frazzled. while this looks sorta zen. ok, it completely does not represent my mental state at all.
japanese cutleaf maple

went soil and manure shopping and picked up a few tomato plants and blue-purple petunias and some funky-looking succulents. and took pictures of plants in the rain, and sort of lost myself in that.

i don't know why i am so exhausted. i am kinda sleeping, though not very long. ah well. maybe i need a tag that says "fuck depression". i am not sad depressed, just low-on-spoons depressed. i want to do so much! it's spring! it's planting time! there is much coding and support on DW to be done. but i can't concentrate for long.

guess i go to bed and read smut.
piranha: red origami crane (Default)
i've been subscribing to lots of people i don't know -- mostly from meeting them on #dw, but also from picking over denise's enormous reading list. i am purposely not just choosing people who seem to have a lot in common with me. and it's really good for me, i think -- i'm hearing more different voices now. not that my flist on LJ has been unidimensional by any means, but for the most part it consists of people with whom i've hung out in the same online places for years if not decades, and while they don't bore me in the least, there is something to the freshness of the new voices that shakes up my own thoughts more.

now, i could have done this on LJ any time, but generally i did it rarely, and only when somebody's linked post had really inspired me in some way. i really like that dreamwidth has split the old friends list into access and subscribe. yeah, i am sure there will be wank about that too, some people will get just as upset at somebody not granting them the same level of access that they grant, but it does take some of that general angst away. and the mere removal of the word "friend" emboldens me to subscribe to anyone i care to, because it no longer seems so fraught with unintended meaning. "subscribe" is perfectly neutral and reflects what i am doing pretty well.

i am not going to crosspost this. i am worried that my LJ flist will get annoyed with all the dreamwidth squeeing; one person has already griped about how DW, DW, DW everywhere makes her want to run in the other direction. i feel weird about not crossposting because i also don't want to deny my flist my content to draw them over here (something else there is griping about from an anti-DW faction). but hey, this _is_ my new home. it'll mostly shake out with DW making cross-site communications easier, so i am not going to push anything.
piranha: red origami crane (i can has bug)
my first patched bug on dreamwidth! i am way too excited about this, *snicker*, but oh, i don't care. it was the teensiest bug ever, but i did it, i set up a dreamhack, i figured out enough of mercurial (the version control software DW uses), and i found my way through the code.

this is excellent, because i got over the initial hump i have with every large project, where the project screams at me "i am HUGE and you will NEVER understand me, you'll screw things up, and crash the repo/site, and you'll prove yourself to be incompetent!". and i have no idea where to even start because it's all so complex and fits together in arcane ways, and i don't even know the programming language well, and... yeah. every large project does this to me, and has done so for 30+ years. until i start to pick at a corner, and unravel it a little, and peek carefully at the exposed guts, and start to see little tendrils of sense-making reveal themselves.

i am not allowed to put myself down because it was the teensiest bug ever.
piranha: red origami crane (Default)
i'm having a truly fantastic day. it's almost like i've been granted a normal day, like those days way back when i didn't have depression. i've been up and at them all day, and i've got more done than i usually get done in a week. obstacles didn't get me down, and i was really happy to boot.

speaking of booting, i installed new memory in the mini, which was not as onerous as i had expected, notwithstanding having to use a putty knife to open a computer. i don't know what apple was thinking; their machine are usually so easy to service -- for some reason they must have not wanted anyone to open their own mini ever. still, of course people do it, and if it's a challenge they'll record meticulously how they did it, complete with pictures -- which helps us latecomers. really it was fairly easy once the case was open, despite things really being crammed into that small space.

then i installed leopard, which turned out to be the most painless major OS upgrade i've ever performed. debian was already good (gotta love a linux system that can upgrade its running c library without problems), but this was just peachy. my grandmother could have done it.

i called my doctor's office and told them the cat ate my appointment (since when i talked with them last i was in a grotty mood and not pleased with the rude receptionist who seemed to think it was my problem that my doctor had retired without me knowing and that i was running out of meds before she could get me an appointment with his replacement. i had her make one, but i didn't really pay attention, and then i forgot half the info). i didn't even drag my feet about the call. fortunately i also got the really nice receptionist. the appointment is tomorrow. good -- my BP is slowly rising each day now that i've been out of the micardis.

i did veritable cactusloads of chores around the house. the place is cleaner than it has been in ages. and i've started to catch up on weeks of neglected LJ reading, and replying to email.

i observed shadow very carefully while conducting an experiment in feeding. seemed to both of us that she had been losing weight and behaving in general strangely around food; no longer eating the things she used to love -- not even chicken when we have some. i now think she has a problem with a tooth. i gave her wet cat food which she really loves, and she would bite into it and then cringe from it like it had shocked her. then i warmed it up and chopped it into mush, and she was fine eating that. so something is clearly bothering her when she bites into something. will make a vet appointment tomorrow. after eating she also finally left me alone; she had been following me constantly and mreeping at me. poor critter; i knew something was wrong, but didn't know just what.

i expect i will be beat tomorrow, i've been going for more than 10 hours now. man, this is so great. i wish...

yeah. well, i am grateful i had a day. once in a while a day like this would make me a lot happier with my fate.
piranha: red origami crane (Default)


i was too caught up in watching returns to post a picture last night, and i wanted to take the time to find one that's meaningful in some sense.

i'm not out of my mind with joy, but i do feel hopeful that there'll be change of the kind i like -- not necessarily sweeping progressive change all at once, i don't think that will happen. but calm, thoughtful, careful change towards building a society that's a little more fair to all its members. i like a president who inspires large numbers of people, not with empty propaganda, but with reasonable ideas; a president who urges people to be part of the political process, who doesn't make "community organizer" a dirty word, but instills respect for it because thousands and thousands of people are now new community organizers, and i think that's a hugely important part of the political infrastructure.

hope

Oct. 23rd, 2008 02:10
piranha: red origami crane (Default)
one of the things i've disliked most about the last 8 years is how far the general tenor of the party in charge of the US government has polarized the issues, and how far that has pushed me over to one side. i've taken that personally because it reminded me a lot of a relationship i had many years ago.

L was an aspiring law student when we met. bright, passionate, witty; we started to build an intense friendship. we talked about everything under the sun. it was intellectually very stimulating, probably one of the most interesting relationships i've ever had. except that, as time went on, i recognized that L wasn't so much discussing things as debating them. and then one day when i reflected on a discussion during which i had become more and more hostile for no apparent reason, and started to pull "facts" out of thin air to win... that day i realized that some discussions we had had were not good for me. they hadn't been an honest exchange of ideas and thoughts, because L was primarily trying to win. i felt like crap when i realized that my subconscious had already known that, and it had pushed me into a mode in which i fought back in a similar way because i felt like i was being steamrollered despite being fair and reasonable; like every time i gave an inch, i'd be pushed into giving 3 more, and if i gave those, then 5 more.

i am a consensus seeker in general. even during my relatively short activist period i was interested in finding common ground. and part of why my activism was of such short duration was because there was too much polarization -- i did much better working as part of a collective, like in local food co-ops and community gardens. but i am not a doormat, and i deeply resent when my thoughtfulness and nuanced thinking is derided as weakness.

these people make me hopeful that, should obama win the election, and behave in the white house the way he's behaved on the campaign trail, the polarization might start to reverse.

conservatives for change:
piranha: red origami crane (Default)
when i read fiction, i generally love it when something unexpected happens, when people find interesting ways to deal with whatever life throws at them, where relationships don't always end in happily-ever-after, where the most important thing isn't necessarily a romantic relationship. i love it when i learn something from fiction, when it makes me think.

when i read romance, i want a goddamn happy ending where boy gets boy, even if boy and boy fight at the start, or in the middle, or all through the story. but they damn well better end up together if i've angsted with them for 200+ pages.

when that doesn't happen, no matter how amiable the breakup, no matter even how necessary the breakup for one of them, i feel cheated, and i get cranky. i allow myself to wallow in the angst much more so than i do in general fiction, because i know it'll all be relieved by the end. romance is comfort reading. and it's not comforting to feel all the angst and then not receive the expected resolution.

if this had been non-romance fiction, it would have been quite decent, and i'd say "well done", because sometimes love just isn't enough, and other factors must overrule one's heart if one's ever to find any peace, and grow as a human being. even if the other person has done nothing wrong, sometimes the dynamics just don't work out despite all people trying their hardest.

but it was a romance, and damn you, julia talbot, for depriving me of my happy ending *whiny grump*. i am totally pissed off at kevin, and never want to read anything about him again. and i don't care whether ross finds somebody else in the next book. i don't even want to read it. my heart aches.

stupid.

ETA: talbot julia, the thatcher series: 1. jumping into things, 2. landing with both feet, 3. taking the leap -- it's #2 with which i have the problem; #1 is interesting and got me easily attached to the 4 main characters as well as their dogs (julia talbot is clearly a dog person, *little grin*).
piranha: you want to touch what?  do you feel lucky, punk? (sexist arseholes)
links to the open-source boob project [*] have been popping up on my flist, and i went to see. i started this as a comment in one of the journals linking, whose owner appeared positive about the project:

i have some _really_ mixed reactions to that post. this ferrett guy creeps me out, and the thing reminded me first and foremost of harlan ellison groping connie willis and the resultant comments from a lot of women about unwanted touching that happens to them at cons, and i had to shake that off first before i could think about the proposition more sensibly.

the main conflicting thoughts i have are:

a) do we really need more men touching women in semi-sexual ways at non-sexual events? and more fetishizing of boobs? the idea that women end up wearing buttons to make asking about boob-touching not ok repels me so strongly, i don't even have good words for that without descending into profanity. while it may all be sunshine and rainbows for those guys who get to cop a feel, it creates a hostile environment for women who do not wish to be around groping men because they've had their goddamned share of it already.

b) i am pretty sure it was a special thing for the people who started this, and it wasn't at all as skeevy as it sounded to me when recounted. a lot of people are touch-starved, and it would be nice if touch didn't carry such strong sexual messages, and if people could feel more free around touch even if it were mildly sexual. i am all for cuddle piles, and for straight-guy hugs, and for being affectionate with people one meets at an off-line gathering after knowing them for some time online. i wish i'd been part of a touch-friendly group when i grew up; i like the idea of touch being less scary, more friendly, of being able to allow some of one's curiosity about other people's bodies somewhat freer rein.

but this project doesn't seem to be what i'd be looking for. i don't like that it's called "the open-source boob project". there is a lot of justification from other people after the initial post -- that it wasn't just about boobs and it wasn't just women being touched. ok, but why the hell isn't it called the "open-source touch project" or the "open-source body project" then? why the emphasis on boobs? is that just the skeevy ferrett guy's perspective?

if i went to cons these days i'd probably stay far away from it, even though i am not inherently opposed to sharing some affectionate touch with relative strangers. i might wear a button that says "keep your grubby paws to yourself, or i'll touch your nuts with my boots".

[*] the entry has now changed; the original as i read it before all the edits is still available at the very end. all the comments are unfortunately gone. it looks like the writer has now started to understand a little of what was wrong with his ideas.

[ETA 04-23: the comments are back. there is some trollage, there is some over-the-top outrage, but amazingly, much of it is salient. impressive feedback. if i only thought the guy got it, but i don't really think so; he seems to have decided to have a pity party instead.]
piranha: red origami crane (Default)
just because you suddenly have acres of new screen real estate (19" LCD instead of 17" CRT) so you can see more application windows next to each other does not magically imbue your machine with more processing power to actually run all those applications without swapping like crazy.

WTF?

Feb. 12th, 2008 13:48
piranha: red origami crane (Default)
do i sound particularly stupid lately?
piranha: red origami crane (Default)
sparked by a link in somebody else's LJ, which was too old to add a comment there. the question was about how to handle posting to LJ if one is breaking up with somebody who's also on LJ.

no, i am not planning a break-up. in fact i have an extremely hard time imagining breaking up with either of my partners (though on really dark days i wonder when they're gonna dump my useless ass). i just ponder whether any of my old habits might change, since it's been so very long that i've had any break-up at all (more than 12 years).

i don't have writing filters. oh, ok, i have two -- one includes my entire flist, and i use it only for sharing direct download links for stuff i am pimping, and one includes my partners and nobody else. i don't foresee using any filters if either of them break up with me, because i don't process ongoing relationship stuff online. or even with anyone offline but possibly a shrink if needed, these days. i'll write stuff years later, when i am all done with it, when it's become a "learning experience", and then i file the serial numbers off and talk about it publicly. any ex might read it, and i am fine with that.

i think that some things won't have changed -- i will want to remain friends with the ex, but i'll also need a break. not because i want to vent my spleen (i commit nastiness by myself in a private journal or out in the woods), but because we will have formed comfortable habits together that i'll need to unlearn or the pain will rub me raw. my r'ships with exes become quite ... shallow for a while, for a few months. i'd expect that i'll stop having an IM window open all our waking hours, but i don't think i'd create an LJ filter. if i were to talk about anything related to it, i'd probably cut it, so the ex has a choice as to whether zie wants to read it or not. i don't think i'd remove zir from my flist either, not even for a short time. i'm generally disciplined enough that i can stay away from zir LJ and usenet posts if reading those were to really hurt me.

i don't think i'd make a filter where i talk about zir if zie remains on my flist. that just feels ... *urk*. if it's stuff that might hurt, i feel it's up to zir to choose to read it, not up to me to pre-filter it. and i've always wanted the reality check that talking about a person close to me with that person in the know provides.

not sure what about it i would write in my LJ at all. i didn't have an LJ when i last broke up with somebody, and usenet seemed like totally the wrong place to say anything at all about it. it was sort of an ... interesting experience though, very different from the norm for me (and in fact this is an ex with whom i did not remain friends, or even in contact). maybe some time i should write about that thing, or rather, about my attraction to the darkness in it.

if i'd write about a breakup right after it's happened i would want to make very sure that people reading it know they're not required to either take sides or even just to help me process. i think i would want to create a filter for it -- though not to make it ex-free, but to put only people on it whom i judge as clued enough to grok why i am writing at all. oh man, that would be hard.
piranha: red origami crane (Default)
that means the time period during which people out in public are meaner to each other than at any other time a year is almost over.

it's a cause for celebration! maybe i should decorate for it...

i'll call it scroogemas.

i sorta would like some occasion for which to decorate a little -- i like candles and the tiny lights, the smell of evergreens, and a little sparkle. but it's not my religion, the secular outgrowth of it is overhyped and overcommercialized, obligatory gift giving sucks, the muzak grates on me, so no, Do Not Want.

the winter solstice would be an appropriate date, but actually, i am not ready to be done with winter. it'll be another 6 weeks before i really have enough of it and start to yearn for spring. i'd even like some real snow right about now, because i like how everything looks when thickly covered, because i love how the snow mutes sound, except for the crunch of my boots, because xmas lights make houses in the snow at night look magical -- but we never get any snow over xmas. i am not really complaining about it, mind. just that it would be awesome, for a couple of days.

overall, things are alright. the ticker is behaving itself, the blood pressure is now in a range that satisfies the doctor, the glucose levels are low enough so i don't need diabetes meds, and i have a referral to an internist to talk about the "slightly abnormal but not urgent" reading of the ECG, so things are moving on that front. the celexa is still making me nauseated, but never as badly as the paxil did. it's also interfering with gayboy's hobby, but oh well. it's still too early to have any effect on my mood so i need to just put up with it for now. usually by the time i notice an effect from an SSRI the GI upset goes away (the sexual dysfunction stays); we'll see whether the celexa behaves as the others.

we tend to shop for groceries right before the great rush sets in and then hermit for the duration, eating our way slowly through the stash. it's nice and warm in here, i brought in enough firewood to last the night. i have loads of anime to watch and a backlog of BL releases to read; yum. i am pondering whether i should bake cookies even if it blows the blood glucose sky high, and i just might do that.

maybe i'll call it carbmas.

i hope everyone who's celebrating something is having a wonderful time. be good to each other; it's more important than anything else.
piranha: red origami crane (Default)
from a comment elsewhere:

i never promise "forever". i don't even make promises for as far forward as i can see; mainly because that would be meaningless, since i can't see forward at all, not really -- i might keel over with that fatal aneurysm bursting the very next instant, and who knows what surprises my brain chemistry has in store for me. i don't point anything into the future; i must make it happen in the present, and if i do that reliably, then there will be a future for the relationship, for as long as there is a future for me, and for you.

what i do promise is two things:

1. that i'll never just throw in the towel impulsively, because you pissed me off today, i am depressed, or aggravated, or tired of life altogether. or indeed, because i found a bloody axe in the underwear drawer -- i must investigate first, and with fair methods. that's the same thing i've promised myself as regards suicide -- never on an impulse, only after thorough examination and in-depth thought.

2. that i'll express my appreciation joyfully; really, really try to do it honestly (no perfunctory "i love you"), each and every day. that way none of the possible aggravation is allowed to fester and build up; it'll get disrupted, it'll get re-assessed. this is a bit more proactive [1] than "never go to bed angry", which i also tend to follow.

if i find i can no longer do it reliably, if the aggravation overwhelms the joy more often than not, if the honest assessment of negatives comes out in the red more and more often, that's the sign that it's over.

[1] i hate that word. i can't believe i just used it in a sentence that is not mocking it. in my outside voice.
piranha: red origami crane (Default)
copied from a comment else-LJ:

[...] it seems like a very immature behavior. I think of teenagers (or two-year-olds) being defiant just to exercise or demonstrate some power in the world (largely because it's the only power they have--or think they have, the power to say "no").

Maybe I'm imagining a straw man; maybe people who assert this aren't saying and feeling and thinking "oooh, look how naughty we are, we're *breaking* the *rules*!" But my imagination isn't coming up with another attitude to explain it differently, and I have been unsuccessful in my attempts to learn differently


let me turn the question around: what is so mature about following rules?

aside from transgressive rulebreaking as a political statement (i do this as a matter of course), and the adrenaline rush (i don't do this; i don't _like_ adrenaline rushes), i actually think it's a healthy part of the maturation process to break rules. i was raised to be very law abiding (obedient to god, the government, my elders, men). i do not actually think there is anything inherently mature in obeying rules, it's something we get trained to do as children, and many of us retain it by habit and out of fear, not out of a thoughtful evaluation of the reasons for the rules and carefully considered agreement. we just worry about the consequences, and few of us consider whether those consequences should even be there.

i used to struggle with this a lot, and for me it was a sign of maturity to even consider breaking any rules -- maturity as in thinking for myself, evaluating conditions, accepting responsibility for my actions, and refusing it for the feelings of others when i did something they didn't like but which harmed nobody. and i broke some rules just to break them, to see how i'd feel, what would happen. sometimes rules need to be broken to show that they're total hogwash. sometimes they need to be broken to learn that yeah, maybe they're not such a bad idea. without pushing the envelope, how do we really know where our boundaries lie?

is that "immature"? while in the process of maturing, one's by definition immature, but i view that more in terms of "not fully grown into an adult" as opposed to "naughty little prankster trying to freak the mundanes" which seems to be how you are using it.

i still have some rules in my head that i should break just to break them; stuff that i sucked in as an unquestioning child without assessing their validity for myself.

it's enormously freeing to break such engrained rules. even if afterwards i decide that yeah, the rule works for me, and i should keep it; it's way better to have broken it and evaluated my feelings than to have just accepted it. and yeah, it is fun to do something that makes me a little bit more free. part of the fun is in having overcome a multitude of fears that keep us all in line. another part is a certain joie de vivre from doing your own thing, censure by others be damned. i don't view that as immature per se.
piranha: red origami crane (Default)
i don't want to read smut cause i don't want gayboy to get excited. we've had enough excitement for the day.

fine, i meme. and i'll cut because i care don't want anyone to throw rotten tomatoes at me.

10 things y'all probably know about me, though some might not, and i'll toss in extra detail for fun )

5 things you probably don't know about me )
piranha: red origami crane (Default)
(copied from a comment elsewhere).

i didn't participate because most people seemed to take this task seriously, instead of viewing it as a writing exercise. and if taken seriously, well, i am not interested. i already know that the mainstream views many traits i have as flaws, while i and those who love me don't give a damn (eg. fat, geekiness, strong opinions, bluntness). i already know that what i care about in people is never a summation of a laundry list of traits, but always an aggregate gestalt that's formed by, uh, magic. :) and i already know that one person's abominable flaw is another's attractor (and that weirds me out when applied to myself). also vice versa; things i view as positive traits in myself aren't always seen that way by others. it's all very subjective.

as a writing exercise it is tempting, and i might do it some time, but only if that is clear to the readers (so i'll probably do it long after the lj-meme has disappeared). one person out of the many i read did an amazing job (i really did find the ad thoroughly unappealing, even though i adore the person), all the others sounded quite appealing, and resulted in lots of people saying "i'd do you" or similar stuff, some of which was no doubt also meant reassuringly. the main reason why they sounded appealing to me is that they were refreshingly honest and rather different from a run of the mill personal ad. but as writing exercises the lot of them except for that one didn't achieve the objective IMO.
piranha: red origami crane (Default)
so papersky said in comments that it wasn't a bad idea to keep oneself hydrated, with which i have no issue whatsoever. but i was kvetching that my stupid body didn't keep me informed of its hydration needs, so sometimes i forget.

which turns out to be untrue. apologies, body.

fact is it's a lot quieter about casual thirst than about casual hunger, but it does prod me. it's just that i don't pay attention. oh, i am careful when i plan to go on a hike, or out and about in really hot weather; i always carry something to drink. i've never been dangerously dehydrated during outdoor activities. but day-to-day, i will sit for hours at my computer and not feel thirsty.

or rather, not feel thirsty enough to get off my butt and get myself a beverage. when i was thinking about this, i realized that when i notice i am thirsty, i'll go and get a glass of something, drink half of it, set it down next to me, drink the rest in 1 or 2 drafts soon thereafter, and then absentmindedly pick up the glass over the next hour or two or three several times, notice it's empty, and put it back down.

yeah. every time i pick up that glass, my body is prodding me to drink something.

from now on there'll be a 2l bottle of something next to me at all times. cause when i do that, i drink it down fairly quickly, i've noticed. cause hey, needn't get up.

some day soon i'll probably turn into a plant. but i'll be well watered.
piranha: red origami crane (Default)
sparked by a discussion of "modest swimwear" in another journal i've been pondering how i dress and why.

these days i dress for a maximum of comfort. loose-fitting pants and baggy tshirts are everyday wear. i swim in a tshirt and shorts -- i'm gonna get a microfibre tshirt because cotton is annoying when wet out of the water. shorts because they (microfibre as well) dry fast. i don't change at the place where i'm swimming -- i hop in the truck, drive 10 min to the river or the ocean, swim, hop back in the truck and drive home. this is about as good as it comes while still living on land. i really like the floaty feeling of the tshirt when swimming, it's sensually more pleasurable than swimming naked. and i like an extra layer between my skin and the elements, especially the rocky elements. :) i like whole bodysuits if made of a nice material, but spandex feels too constricting these days (i used to wear those every day).

i would swim naked sometimes if i didn't mind being stared at. however, i do mind, and none of the places i go to are entirely private. i'm looking forward to the boat for this reason too -- privacy will be much easier to come by.

i don't care about fashion. i don't care about what people think is "appropriate" for my body type -- it's none of anybody's business what another person does with their body. i don't look at other people and think "you should NOT be wearing that, you're too old, too young, too fat for it". for all i care i'd be happy if it were legal to walk around stark naked. i wouldn't do it, but more power to others if they want to. less prudishness, less judgment would be nice.

the feeling of not wanting to be stared at isn't about being ashamed of my body, i think. i am not 100% certain because i can't clearly separate out all the many things that have affected my attitude. i don't like my body overall, i even dislike it vehemently at times (it's human, and it's of the wrong sex to boot), but i am not ashamed of it. and since i am stuck with it, i make the best of it by dressing it in what feels good.

but some of what feels good gets too much attention. i mentioned the spandex bodysuits i used to wear -- bright colours, with a large shirt over them that would reach to mid-thigh or lower. i wasn't slim then, mind, and i got stared at regularly, and they weren't stares of admiration. i was in a quietly rebellious phase then and just ignored them pointedly, *heh*. which was good for me -- eventually i no longer cared at all whether anybody stared judgmentally.

but now i mostly just want to fly under the radar. i don't want people to look at me, i don't want to interact with random strangers at all, and even ignoring is an action that takes some energy (not much, but i also have so little that i am jealous of every bit that goes where it doesn't do anything neat). out here i do alright. but i noticed last year in montréal how much more people were staring at me, and not in admiration -- apparently a middle-aged, fat person in bike shorts and a big shirt is something to be critical of there. and it bugged me. i'd probably get used to it after a while, but the difference from how i mostly escape notice here was marked.

what i really want to wear these days is something a djellaba or yukata, or the sort of thing kendo martial artists wear -- hakama and keikogi. i love the way those look and feel. but alas if one dresses weird, one gets even more stares. dammit.

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renaissance poisson

July 2015

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