piranha: red origami crane (Default)
[personal profile] piranha
as i mentioned in a prior post, i'm seriously squicked by certain aspects of BDSM, and i've worked for some years on getting the squick down to at least be respectful of people into it, since strangely enough a fair number of people with whom i am friendly are, and not all of them have filters or even use cut tags for that stuff -- and i don't actually WANT to be judgmental of them. i've pretty much managed that, overall.

though whenever i see BDSM drama on my flist, my eyes still roll a little harder -- sane, safe, and consensual seems to not work as well in practice as it's advertised, and many people in that subculture seem to me to have personality traits that make me wonder whether they don't need counseling more than another scene (especially doms). but it's not like the poly community is all bunnies and daffodils either; i know i am not being as fair as i could be.

anyway, this isn't about them, this is about me, and my unreasoning squicks. i don't like to have those.

so i am reading, both nonfiction, and fiction, because the fiction gives me more of the emotional "flavour" which the nonfiction tends to miss. if you want to recommend something, please feel free -- i'm currently perusing different loving by brame & brame & jacobs in the nf category, and have just finished the deviations series by owen & payne (which is remarkably well written, insightful, and erotic as all get-out for me, despite it being heavily BDSM). when recommending fiction, please let me know which sexual preferences are represented (i much prefer m/m, but i will read others), and what sort of potentially squicky things i might come across.

there is background for some of my squicks -- physical abuse, and some sexual abuse. i don't want to go into detail on that, and i well realize intellectually that there is a huge difference between consenting play (or even lifestyle), and things forced upon a child.

not surprising giving that background, my major squicks are pain, humiliation, and d/s. i am ok with bondage, as long as it falls short of pain. i am utterly not fine with blood play, spanking makes me shudder (not in a good way), and whipping makes me want to stab the person wielding the whip because i so do not have good memories of whipping. oh, gags -- hate them hate hate hate them. master/slave terminology is just SO WRONG.

so those are the things i want to most understand.

my attitude towards pain is that it is to be avoided, that pain is a signal that something is wrong with my body somewhere, and that i need to stop doing whatever is causing the pain. i read about people where pain leads to entering subspace, or where pain lies so close to pleasure that they run into each other, and i do not grok it. i don't know WHERE subspace is. when pain gets too much for me, i don't pass into some form of trance, i pass out (and i pass out fairly quickly).

the whole pain/pleasure complex is likely related to endorphins, and i think i might have a deficiency there. the famed runner's high? i don't get it. people who feel great after exercise? i envy them -- i never feel great; i feel tired and hungry, or nauseated if i pushed it too far. sex? even when it's great, the earth doesn't move, and i don't feel transported. ever. i read about people and the amazing feelings they have during sex and especially orgasm, and uh, it's like i am an alien because i just don't. it feels nice, but nothing special, a scrumptuous meal feels just as good, and there are a number of things for me that feel better.

i am starting to fade, but i want to touch on one more part of the d/s aspect -- now that i am reading m/m fiction i am realizing that some of what turns me so off about d/s is the standard dom = male and sub = female formation. that just goes against the grain so badly, while i seem much calmer about d/s when it's all-male. power exchange games work better intellectually for me when the power balance seems equal before the play starts. of course the power balance for individuals isn't the same as it is for societal gender roles, and i need to ruminate on that.

there's lots more; this is just starting to shake loose.
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piranha: red origami crane (Default)
renaissance poisson

July 2015

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