renaissance poisson

so the onion took on chris brown once again in an article titled Heartbroken Chris Brown Always Thought Rihanna Was Woman He’d Beat To Death. cue scores of tweeting feminists who are upset at the onion because "violence against women isn't funny".

like, duh.

hanna rosin in slate at least doesn't misunderstand the onion, but to me her piece still misses the mark. what's most interesting me here is that people are arguing about whether or not the fictional violence was "funny". why? that's not the only way to assess the article.

i never once thought the article was making fun of violence, or was using violence against women to score a cheap laugh. i didn't think that the fictional violence was funny either (though i think that sometimes it can be; i usually appreciate it when it is turned against a bully). instead the article is completely unsubtle satire, directed at chris brown and his enablers, media and fans alike. i can actually appreciate the lack of subtlety, because really, chris brown doesn't deserve any. any laughs this got from me were in appreciation of the satire itself, of it pointing a huge, shaming arrow at entertainment news and gossip, at chris brown's fans who think he's hot, at a culture which raises women to blame themselves and stay with men who abuse them, at the fact that this man is not in jail where he should be, but instead continues to be treated as if he were a person we should empathize with while he jerks out some tears over his most recent breakup with the woman he abused.

i didn't laugh out loud because my funnybone was tickled (it wasn't), i guffawed at the perfect skewering, and i sort of snorted at the irony that some of the best analysis and insight we get is from comedic outlets like the onion and jon stewart, who're skewering mainstream media mercilessly, and pointing out exactly how wrong our culture is to venerate this shite. that's neither misogynistic nor racist.

i'm not sure what is up with the offended feminists. i don't subscribe to the dumb idea that feminists don't have a sense of humour, and it annoys me when people talk down to those who don't laugh at the same things; one size does definitely not fit all when it comes to humour. there are many allegedly funny things that don't amuse me, and i don't think my sense of humour is impaired; a lot of humour out there is stupid, thoughtless, or cruel. i also think satire overlaps with humour instead of being a pure subset, and it's highly context-driven, so it's all too easy to miss. but i thought this was not subtle at all, and yet a number of feminists really do seem to completely miss the point in this case. or is it something i am not seeing?

so this year started sucking so hard that it threw me completely off track for a while.

but now, SPRING!

( click for news, mostly consisting of whining )

for this year, because it is a damn lemon.

tachycardia attack again this morning. i should probably be grateful that i didn't have one for 2 years, but right now i am just exhausted, and entirely out of spoons.

so kim dotcom, the currently-being-prosecuted owner of megaupload, has finally launched his new site, dubbed with characteristic humility "mega".

the site is significantly different from megaupload; it's designed to function as encrypted cloud storage, and only you have the key to any data you store on it (you can share it with others). mega does therefore not know what you are storing. kim dotcom is making a lot of noise about how we all deserve more privacy, blah blah, but here's the kicker:

the site logs your IP information, and keeps track of what you access on the site. and it keeps that data for the duration of you holding an account with them (https://mega.co.nz/#privacy).

yeah, not so much with the privacy after all.

i can't stand kim dotcom, and while i cheer that he is not buckling under the full pressure of the US government, that he remains a big, fat thorn in their side, and rubs his audacity in their face, i feel slightly dirty for cheering. and i won't use his new site if i can help it.

in the wake of aaron swartz's suicide there is, as usual, a lot of noise about depression. some of it is best ignored, because people who claim suicide is "the coward's way out" lack understanding and empathy -- seriously, who would want to continue living with fuckwits like that? not i -- if you talk like that, you might as well hand the noose over yourself (as if being a coward were the worst thing in the world; i can think of many worse. lacking empathy, for one). some of it is well-meaning -- "talk to somebody; you are not alone", "hang in there, it does get better" -- and while that may be good advice for people with occasional depressive episodes, for many others, frankly, that too lacks understanding.

because depression for many people is a debilitating, chronic pain-of-the-soul. and it doesn't get better, not permanently -- these days i only work on it not getting worse. talking about it can ameliorate it a little, for a time, because not feeling all alone with an illness helps in bucking it. talking about strategies for coping, that's useful to a point. talking about it might help those the most who have some proximate primary cause lurking in the background, like childhood abuse. but for many talking about it doesn't make it better in the long run, and after a while talking about it makes it worse, because it merely goes in circles underlining the futility. there is no cure for many. we can throw drugs at it, and some stick and many don't; and even those which do can stop working at any time. some of the drugs take away as much as they give -- no sudden suicidal impulses, yay -- but also no more creativity. we don't really know exactly why some work in some people some of the time, and it's altogether a crap shoot.

and seriously, "hang in there" gets on my every last nerve by now. like we don't know! we DO hang in there! every damn day is a battle to hang in there. every. single. day from dawn to dusk and into the night when insomnia strikes (because depression doesn't come alone; it brings allies, and they all work together to break you down bit by bit). we hang in there and try to do our jobs, and try to support our loved ones, and try to make the world a better place. all of it in the face of horrible daily reminders about humans abusing other humans, and other animals, and the environment. and life keeps piling it on: other illnesses take a disproportionate toll, disappointments wear more heavily; the personal impact of the economy, the failure of a relationship, the death of a loved one -- anything emotionally stressful can add the last straw. being hounded by the power of the US government can certainly dump a whole truckload of straw on an already bent back. the prospect of prison is more scary than most other things, because it takes what little choice we have of ending it away from us as well.

we're already locked up inside this defective body/mind. we desperately self-medicate by screwing with our neurotransmitters; trying to get our endorphins cooking so we can ride the high and feel NORMAL just for a little while. we don't usually know that's what we're doing when we crave some form of drama, chase adrenaline highs, or engage in sometimes stupid stunts, but honestly; those highs help more than talking. they make us feel alive. it shows us we still have some choices, even if the depression deadens all our experiences. and the alternative is staying in bed with the blankets over one's head, forever.

might as well be dead. i find having the choice of death empowering.

i promised the paramour i'll clean my room before i kill myself, and so far my room is a total mess, so no, i won't kill myself today.

if i end up killing myself, which is likely at some point (i hate to say this because it will grieve my loved ones and friends, but i don't want it to come as a surprise) it won't be anything they failed to do for me. it won't be that they didn't listen enough, didn't show me that they love me enough, weren't there for me, didn't drag me to another doctor. they all have already given me more than i ever expected. they are standing strong against the users and abusers, the ones without empathy, the cruel ones, the ones who put profit before anything else, the ones who cost us all precious time and energy, squandering it. my friends and loved ones are what's good about humankind. i am still alive only because of those who care(d) for me.

i'll kill myself when i run out of spoons altogether, when my reservoir of energy to cope with life runs dry. when somebody or something, probably just my decaying body, dumps the last straw on my back, and i can't take one more day of battle, when i just want to drift away into peace, finally, finally. i probably won't write a note because i'll be too tired to find the right words. maybe i'll write it ahead of time. maybe not, because that makes it too easy.

don't feel guilty then. you did all you could. be good to one another.

RIP aaron, and all those many others lost too soon.

curried chickpeas with ginger
adapted from "the gourmet vegetarian slow cooker" by lynn alley for my instant pot

2 T sesame oil
2 T mexican chile powder
1/2 tsp black pepper corns
8 cloves
1 tsp cumin seeds
8 green cardamom pods
1 tsp curry powder
1/2 tsp cayenne pepper
1/2 tsp turmeric
4 cm fresh ginger root
1 medium red onion
4 cups water
2 cups dried chickpeas
juice of 1 lemon
yogurt

chop the onion and ginger.
grind the pepper, cloves, cumin, cardamom (or use already-ground spices).
add them and the chile, curry, turmeric, and cayenne to the hot oil to release the flavour.
add the onion and ginger and sauté for ~ 2 min to soften.
add the water and chickpeas.
cook @ 11.6 pressure for 40 min; let pressure release naturally.
take a cup of beans with some liquid, purée it, and add back to the pot to thicken.
stir in the lemon juice.
serve with yogurt over your grain of choice, or pasta.

this is medium-hot for me; just at the limit of what makes my sinuses act up; i might use a bit less cayenne next time. the sauce is a little thin, so i'll need to add less water. the chickpeas are just over the edge of being done; a few are a tad too tough, so maybe another minute of cooking would be a good idea -- or a quick pre-soaking. i was too lazy for that today. it'd be nice with some carrots added too, i think.

i changed all the spice amounts considerably from the original, because pressure cookers affect different spices in different way (increase potency of peppers, decrease that of dried leaves), and because i don't like cumin when it predominates, but love cardamom.

it's been a while since we've had a new cat. really this is #9 in chronological order, but the bear is no more. very small; about persis's size, only fluffier, with a stubbier tail. very interesting colouration. i don't think it's feral; probably just stray for long enough not to trust humans a whole lot. this is a speedy little bugger; not afraid to venture into the house if the racoons have emptied the outside food dish -- once went all the way into my room where it hid under the bed for a while before dashing back outside. been around for about 3 weeks; looks healthy. we've been getting acquainted; i am now allowed to approach to within 1.5m if i come bearing food dish in hand.

curried garbanzo beans with corn and basil
adapted from "the easy pressure cooker cookbook" by diane phillips for my instant pot

2 T canola oil
2 tsp madras curry powder
1 medium onion
2 medium carrots
1 small can (384 ml) vegetable broth
1 cup garbanzo beans, dried
1 can corn, kernels
2 tsp basil, dried
salt to taste

wash beans.
quick pre-soak: in small pot cover beans with sufficient water, bring to a boil, cover pot, turn off heat, and let soak for 30 min.
chop onions and carrots
sauté curry powder in oil to release flavour.
add onions and carrots and sauté to soften (~2 min).
add broth and drained beans.
cook @ 11.6 pressure for 35 min.
quick release.
add corn and basil; mix.
cover and let stand for a few minutes to heat the corn.

this turned out very good -- i halved the original recipe, but added a bit more liquid (enough to cover the beans), and adjusted the spicing upward as well. very tasty, but not overpowered by curry. i've never cooked garbanzo beans myself before, though i've had them canned -- they're much better cooked from dried.

lentils castelluccio style
from "the easy pressure cooker cookbook" by diane phillips, adjusted for my instant pot

3 T olive oil
1 medium onion
4 celery stalks (include leaves if they have them)
2 tsp rosemary, dried, rubbed into small bits (if fresh, use accordingly)
2 cups lentils, french or italian -- the kind that stays intact
2 cups vegetable broth
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp black pepper

rinse lentils.
finely chop onion and celery.
sauté rosemary in olive oil to release flavour.
add onion and celery and sauté until softened (about 2 min).
add broth and lentils, mix, and cook @ 11.6 pressure for 25 min.
quick-release pressure.
season to taste.

the lentils were green ones from dan-d-pak. they took up the entire 2 cups of liquid. i was fine with the moisture of the dish, but the paramour found it a little dry. some of the lentils were just a tad undercooked; not enough to be bothersome, but they'd probably be better if cooked a minute longer (or if the pressure naturally released, though that might make them too soft).

split pea soup

(recipe by the "instant pot" manufacturer)

1 cup of split peas (i used half green, half yellow)
1 medium onion
1 medium carrot
2 stalks celery
2 bay leaves
1 lb ham hock (i used ~200g low-fat, low-salt ham from schneider's)
4 cups of water

chop the hell out of the onion, carrot, and celery. dump everything in the cooker. cook on "soup" for 30 min. let depressurize naturally, which means +10 min. season to taste (i used about 1/2 tsp of freshly ground black pepper and 1/2 tsp of sea salt).

this is the second incarnation of this soup, and it still needs work. yesterday's used 5 cups of water, and it was way too thin. today's is still on the thin side, so next time i'll use even less water. salting wasn't necessary yesterday; the ham had enough, but today needed some help. yesterday i threw in way too much ham (it had escaped my notice that 1 lb ham hock does not actually translate to 1 lb ham). this ham isn't good for letting cook the entire time; it becomes very mushy (and cooking it twice does not improve it; it didn't fall apart like i was hoping). if i make this again with ham, i'll cook it without and then put it in just to warm it.

the consistency, apart from being too thin, is good though -- normally i end up pureeing the soup if i cook it on the stove top; here that's not necessary.

this recipe contains measurements i usually don't like -- i prefer to weigh ingredients. what fits in a cup differs too much, and sizes like "medium" are even more meaningless. but since it's for soup, eh, i don't care; winging it varies the taste a little so it doesn't become completely boring after the 10th time i have it.

this isn't too different from my standard split pea soup recipe, so i think i can now adapt that one.

i really like how the pressure cooker concentrates flavour. apparently a lot more of it cooks away into the air during normal cooking than i expected.